About me

Thursday, June 30, 2011

been gone all week!! update from Doc and I WON!!:)

Hello world...I have been at youth girls camp for church all week...so fun but I am so behind...in work...in blogs...aaahhh...
Anyway..some fun news and updates:

1. I won the Oregon Bride Magazine's Best of 2011 award for: Best Hair & Makeup
woohoo!! I feel really proud of this b/c I have built my business from the ground up with no business training or education at all...just talent and good 'ol customer service:)
Here's me with Chrystal and Bri who work for me:
a pic of the award listing in the magazine

Bri, Myself and Chrystal at the Party

2. saw doc today and I didn't get the okay to run like I thought I would:(:( but it's okay. He wants me to wait the whole 8wks so another 9 days it is.......

3. I am up 8lbs since my marathon 7wks ago. lol. and 3 of those pounds I gained since Monday LOL at CAMP! I have never eaten so much food (and not healthy food) in my life! I probably consumed about 5000-6000 calories  a day. yuck.

4. I will get caught up on blogs as soon as I can but am gone away again tomorrow..so probably sat night.
Hope everyone is well!!!

Anyone running Sauvie on Monday? I will be there cheering you all on even though I can't run! xx

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

booking races!!, some thoughts on depression, and play date with Runninghood!


Hello hello. 
So glad Summer decided to show it's pretty face for.....2 days. better than nothing I guess. Today it was back to cloudy and 68. sigh. This is getting old.

Since my last post, I have kicked my butt back into gear. 
I've had 2 great pool workouts. 

day 1: 25min steady pace of pool jogging. I did it twice 2hrs apart so a total of 50min of pool jogging!

day 2: intervals: 5min warm up, then ladders: 1min hard, 1min easy, 2min hard, 1min easy, 3hard, 1 easy, 4 hard, 1 easy, 3 hard, 1 easy, 2 hard, 1 easy, 1 hard, 1 easy. 5min cool down. 


I have also been working on abs and upper body. I decided to get out the old Chin up bar on Monday and to my Surprise, I busted out 5 REAL chin ups! then....10min later, I did 5 more!!!! I have never done more than 3 in a row so my weights must be making me stronger. It is HARD to lift your body weight from the ground up. I was pretty proud of myself:)...then at my trial run for my bride tonight..she says to me:
"Do you only run? or do you do other things b/c your arms are amazing". .....I'm not gonna lie, It was the best compliment ever!!!put a smile on my face for the rest of the night:)

ANYWAY....enough about my super scronny BUFF arms.

DEPRESSION:

SO.......I had that really crappy morning on Monday and felt myself slipping towards a very depressed state. I am glad that I snapped out of it when I did b/c I just don't want to go there. 
My family has a history of depression and every single one of them has been on anti-depressants at some point...or multiple points in their life. Until I had my daughter Megan, I was the only one that hadn't. .......

THEN  I hit Post Pardum Depression and I hit it BAD. Some day I plan to write a full post on this b/c I think there is alot of misunderstanding about it. But lets say I could relate with some of those women who've been on Oprah. It was BAD. suicidle thoughts...hurting my child thoughts, hating my husband and my life.....dark dark dark days. The darkest days of my life actually.  

Anyway...why am I bringing this up? B/c I know what it feels like to be in such a deep dark depressed state and I dont' ever want to go there again..and I realized that in THIS situation I have quite a bit of control over how I feel. 
Yes, it's true that if I didn't take the 6 fish oil I take a day and run my little heart out, I would probably still struggle with some amount of depression but I have found natural ways to curb it. 

I am CHOOSING to not let this injury take me down, mentally or emotionally...it might knock me off my PHYSICAL feet for a while, but I am holding it together upstairs quite well. 
I have learned that runnning is NOT my life and that I COULD live without out it. Lucily I don't have to though and that this injury will help me love it and appreciate it EVEN more after all this. 
I really do think this has been a blessing in disguise and I am grateful for it. The Lord always knows what we NEED. So...about 10 more days and I can try running!!! woohoo!!!!


RACES:


I started looking up races last night and have a few on the calendar....
August 13th: 2 miler (this will be perfect as I will only have about a month of running under my belt)..just something to quench my thirst for a race:)

September 24th: Best Damn Run 10K (did this 2yrs ago and loved it!).I hope I can get in good enough shape in 8wks to PR on my 42: 30....

Then I need to choose between the following:
October 15: Blue lake 15K
OR
October 29: Runaway Pumpkin half 


Which one do you think I should do???


PLAY DATE:

Yesterday, Amanda from Runninghood came over to swim! it was SO nice to meet her in person...she is adorable and so are her  3 cute children:) Our girls got along great and little Samuel is just a doll. 

Here are a few pics from the day... I am so lucky to have a few of you lovely blogger buddies near by:)

Amanda and I with her 3 cuties in the hot tub!
All of us..but missing little Naomi....
THIS is my FAVORITE: How adorable are these two?
I said "give me your BIGGEST smiles" and boy did they ever! lol
Erika (mine) on the left and Naomi on the right. 
Megan and Elliana Swimmin' it up! 2 little fishies...
Amanda and I...trying to hide behind our sunglasses:)

It was a great afternoon...we didn't get to chat as much as we wanted to 
b/c of course we were chasing kids...but it was just nice to hang out:)

Monday, June 20, 2011

My Water Jogging Tutorial VIDEO- I do NOT like watching myself or listening to my own voice....ewwww

Sorry for anyone who read my last blah-zay  post, which I DELETED b/c I do not want to be that kind of person.
I am processing.
My coach, Joel, gave me a little pep talk and told me to try to view this as a vacation... HA! so we'll see if that works....

I sort of gave myself a swift kick in the You know What and thought about all the people who have REAL problems....like Cancer or sick children, or divorce, or losing their job while trying to support a family, or hunger, or violent relationships....

All the things that are IMPORTANT are in tact and I need to be THANKFUL.

It IS tough b/c Running for me is not just something I enjoy, but it is an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant. More on this in another post but suffice to say...it is GOOD for me to be able to run, but I know this too shall pass and I am strong ENOUGH to finish out this 8wks of healing.

SO ANYWAY, ON this little vacation, I got myself a water belt, a waterproof watch and I have tried out WATER JOGGING as I mentioned here and let me tell you it is HARDER than it looks!

My first day (in video below) I tried a 25min workout and it was TOUGH...my arms were shaking by the time I got out....

2 days later, I did an interval workout of 5min warm up, 5x 2:30min HARD, with 1:30 recoveries and 5min cool down. It was tough but a good workout indeed! I wish we had some more sun so I could do it more.

I will be back in there this afternoon!!

 So here I am in My FIRST You Tube video....it's quite EMBARASSING actually! I can hardly stand to watch it! lol..but am hoping it will help someone out. You think I could have done something to my face first but this video was made on the fly! we only did ONE TAKE! ha ha...I was too lazy to do it again and make it better so you are STUCK with the RAW, NERDY, ME!!! sigh...there is no going back..I might regret this later....why am I acting ESPECIALLY dorky  in this video? lol...







Here is the actual schedule for anyone interested:
http://pfitzinger.com/labreports/9wkH2O.htm





Tuesday, June 14, 2011

2-3 aint so bad!! finding the silver lining...

First off, I wanted to say Hello to the few new followers recently....I feel stupid even saying that b/c it  seems to imply that I offer something worth following which  I am not sure that I do. but I sure appreciate you reading what I have to say sometimes and offering me your wisdom and insight!! I do!
I have tried to respond to a few of you but I can't? I feel bad...once in a while I respond to a comment in my email and it will go to your email but now it just goes to Noreply@blogger.com  anyone know how to fix this???

I Promise I am trying to respond!!!....HELLO and thank you! I will try to get around to visiting you all on your blogs but I honestly have such limited time on here ...I'm sorry:(:( and sometimes I read but then my time is up before I have time to comment.

Let the healing begin!:

Okay...so I went and saw Dr. Foland yesterday and took him the XRAY. He CONFIRMED that yes indeed it is a stress fracture. He said I could do the water jogging and the eliptical if I don't feel any pain and the bike too:)
did you know that Water Jogging is EQUIVALENT to running on land? check out this article Raina sent me! thaks Raina!!! It is Fascinating how people who did ALL their running in water kept their same fitness level! NO LOSS. NO CHANGE IN 5K times, crazy huh? I almost think it would be good on my joints to do a few runs a week in the water if i could....

http://pfitzinger.com/labreports/water.shtml

If you like this, then check out the 7wk training plan he gives for those who are injured:

http://pfitzinger.com/labreports/stressfracture.shtml



the GOOD NEWS is Dr. Foland said probably another 2-3 wks and I should be able to slowly get back into things. YAY! 2-3 is much better than 4:)

I asked him what kind of training plan I would be looking at to ease back  in and he said probably another 2-3 wks of only 4-5 days aweek and only 3-5mile runs...but that's okay!
I was thinking I MIGHT just be able to Pace my friend Valerie in her last few Miles at theHalf on July 4th so she can get her sub 2hr half marathon!!:):) we'll see.

Again, I am not sure WHY I feel so optimistic about this cruddy situation, but I do. I am more excited for my future as an athlete than Ever:) A little challenge is good for me;)

I took a few cheesy pics to show that I WAS in the gym yesterday:)...now you can see my NO MAKEUP face...I know I don't post enough pics of  this ..but here I am in all my 6am glory:D



 pumping some iron! woot woot!

Me doing ultra sound on my leg after....basically where you see the blue wand in this pic is right about where my stress fracture is:)


This morning I had every intention of getting up to do some cardio since I Haven't done any in a few day s but my 3yr old has an ear infection so I got a whopping 4 hrs of sleep last night. from 12-2am and then from 6-8am so I am feeling like a ZOMBIE! blah!.

I guess I will try tomorrow!

Want to give a shout out to JENN who is running her marathon this saturday!! GO JENN! This women is amazing...check her out if you haven't already done so. she has been a real inspiration to me lately and gives great sound advice;o) Go get 'em Jenn!!


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Stress Fracture-X RAY pics

well....I finally made the trip to Steves clinic today to get an XRAY.

At first when we put the film up it didn't jump out at us...I thought I was good and was already thinking about trying to run again tomorrow morning...but then we saw it. You can see the small callus formation....and when we measured it....it is EXACTLY at the spot on my leg that hurts and that I felt the sharp pain at mile 22 of my marathon:(:(




if you look closely you can see where steve circled the area with a pencil.

close-up


The Bright Side: My 3:35:43 looks pretty darn good for a first marathon now when I know I ran the last 4.2 miles with a stress fracture on my fibula! LOL...I'm kidding...(well half kidding;) ha ha.

Today has been tough but I am proud I have not yet broke down crying. I have heard from friends about their successful races this weekend and seen pics online about all the great running people are doing and I have tried to be supportive and kind and not let it get me down b/c I have another 4 WEEKS OF NO RUNNING ahead of me:(

Some thoughts I've had today: (read all the way through, they start off rough but get better:)


-I don't EVER want this to happen again. SO..what can I do differently? like I said...try a different approach to training...more conservative for sure-be CAREFUL.

-I can accept the fact that this is my fate. done. but what makes me feel most sad is that I have been ANXIOUSLY waiting for summer running. I HATE running for 8 mos out of the year at 6am ALONE, in the DARK, BUT I do it b/c I look forward to the reward of the summer morning runs. it's light by 5:30am and I get this amazing spiritual and emotional regeneration on my 3 mo's of summer runs...but now I am missing it:( sure I will hopefully be running again by August..but then I have 4-6wks at best of nice morning runs where  I don't need pepper spray b/c I live in the friggin GHETTO and I'm worried I'm going to be raped or mugged on the streets of gresham running lone in the dark. sigh.
THIS is hard for me.
I don't want to be up and running again right when I got back into another 9 mo's of the what I call the HARD running months....the ones that are really hard to get out of bed for and test your commitment as an athlete.  I am missing the rewarding months of running for my commitment during the hard months. I feel robbed. why couldn't I get the stress fracture in December? THAT would have been awesome!!!:):) an excuse to not get up and run in the FREEZING cold! I would totally take that!;)

-now I have to find an alternative. Steve says that the eliptical isn't a GREAT idea....the more rest the faster i will heal....so it looks like I need to sneak into our pool at 6am (doesn't open til 9am) lol and try to do some AQUA Jogging:)

-I am NOT going to let this ruin me. I am a committed person. I am stronger than ANY injury.

-I WILL come back...and I will come back with a vengeance.

-I am really sad about missing sauvie island half on July 4th as I mentioned previously...but this injury will fuel my desire and NEXT year I will finish in the top 10 of that race! mark my words...and it is a BIG race. When I set my mind to something .I do it.

-God never gives us something that we can't handle. I believe that. So, obviously this is not out of my league of struggles. I will survive.

-When I think THIS sucks, I try to think of others and how they are handling MUCH worse trials than me. At least I still have my children, my husband, my health (in the rest of my body:)), a roof over my head, a car to drive, a job, money in the bank, a God who loves me, My Savior Jesus Christ who understands EVERYTHING we go through, Prayer, the Scriptures, a gym at my disposal to strengthen the rest of my body, good friends, Love surrounding me, blogger buddies like you guys, a free country to live in, clothes on my back....I could go on and on...so this tiny little stress fracture I am dealing with is NOT going to take me down.
No MA'AM! MY LIFE IS SO BLESSED and the next 4wks will fly by as I keep myself focused on staying strong and finding JOY in the JOURNEY:)

-I know the next 4wks is going to have moments when I don't feel so optimistic and I just want to throw a fit. On those days and in those moments, I promise myself I will drop to my knees and pray for the ability to stay positive and to be able to count my blessings.

I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who gives me trials to strengthen me and make me a better, stronger person.

Friday, June 10, 2011

My attempt at "reflection"...not something I do often enough...

I have A LOT of faults. I'm sure everyone feels this way. One of my faults is that I over schedule my life and then get stressed b/c of it....when in reality I COULD control a lot of it.
well, I argue that fact all the time with myself ... "I HAVE to do this b/c of this..." etc..you know how that goes right?
makeup appts, trial runs, contracts, doctors appts, appts for the kids, grocery shopping etc. Mostly it's the immense stress that comes from running an extremely busy business. My husband is busy building his chiropractic business and I am left to be full time mom, full time business owner/employer and wife. I feel like that leaves VERY little time for being the Friend I want to be. The wife I want to be and even the Mother I want to be.

I got this great comment from Amanda at Runninghood on my last post. Amanda has been a huge blessing in my life and I'm sure she's not even aware of it. I can relate more to her posts than any others I 've ever read. I feel like I struggle with all the same things she does....it is strange and eery sometimes. HOWEVER, Amanda uses her skills and talents to sort through and REFLECT on her struggles and experiences in a way I WISH I knew how to do! anyway...here's just a snip it from her comment on my last post:

Just let this make you stronger...a good time to really reflect and zoom in on want you WANT from running! I think for me, I'm always go go go go going and even if I think I'm taking time to think and know what I want from my life, sometimes it takes being sidelined for me to really sit with my thoughts and come out of it all with a clearer, fiercer, and more go get 'em focus to my life, running, motherhood, spirituality, etc. I always say that my hamstring injury was the BEST thing that ever happened to me and I came back soooo much stronger and more determined than ever. NOt that I am saying that this is a good thing by any means...In fact if someone said this to me when I was injured, I might have eaten their face for dinner!!!! I needed to come to these conclusions on my own. And it took not being able to run for me to really feel my full fire being lit...not just as a runner but with so many things.

. I find that the more positives I focus on, the more I get out of life. The most I shove all those negative thoughts and feelings out the window the best I can and focus on the abundance in life, it just keeps coming and this helps my body heal way faster!! All that positive energy is the BEST medicine...serious stuff!


So today..I made an attempt to think about my thoughts...as they fly through my mind.....see that's my problem...I just don't stop to focus on them or sort through them...OR I have the opposite problem where I get super OCD and just circle around and around in the same issue-but getting no where!.
ANYWAY...as I went back to the doc today and had some time alone driving I tried to calm my very overactive, Busy, scattered brain and actually THINK about what I want out of running. I have already started this process with my work and parenting but it still needs a lot more time and reflection.
Anyway...A few thoughts about my running:

- Running is not the end all and be all to my life. It's been 28 days since I could run and clearly I am doing just fine:)

-Running was starting to take up too much of my mind space. When I should have been thinking about my children or husband or business repsonsibilities, I was thinking about running.

-do I want to be a serious competetive runner? yes. But can I do that and still keep balance in my family? probably not. Some could..me? not sure. what's more important? family.

-When I start to run / train again, I want to take a more relaxed, fun, conservative approach. I want to feel the sheer JOY of running again. Yes, I want to compete and do well and still get that sub 3hr marathon but not at the expense of my health. I am okay if it takes longer if it means I am not a crazy psycho, have to get EVERY SINGLE MILE IN OR ELSE I WILL FAIL type of attitude I have developed:)

-My body really went through the ringer during marathon training, I got hurt twice and sick twice....my body was just being crazy..next time I will give myself a much longer cycle than 8wks (It should have been 10 had I not gotten sick the first 2wks). But still, I want to try something totally different.

- I would like to take 12 to 16 wks and ENJOY my training more, not put so much pressure on myself. I am not going to do any long marathon paced runs. I want to see how I feel doing progression runs and any other long runs at about 30-40seconds slower than race pace. It's good to try something different.

- I am still a very NEW young runner and I think I should try different styles, types and philosophies on training so that I can discover what WORKS FOR ME:) I am EXCITED about this!!!

- I am going to eat more sweets...well maybe not more but I am not going to feel guilty about eating them when I do. I work hard and if I want to eat them, I will. I want to learn to RELAX:)

okay...so that was my first attempt at really REFLECTING and writing down some thoughts.
I don't feel all that sad about my current situation. I know things happen for a reason and had this NOT happened, I would have just kept going, head down and plowing through the mud unaware of the other possibilities out there for me:)

more to come.....


NUUN HTC TEAM: HLOVE ROCKS!

Oh my gosh, Once watching Harmony's application video I immediately wanted EVERYONE I know to see it, so I am re-posting here in hopes it will help her get on the TEAM!

My very dear friend Harmony from Keep on Keeping is not just trying to get on ANY Hood to Coast team, she is trying to get on the NUUN Hood to Coast team. Nuun is an electrolyte drink you take while running.

You MUST watch her video b/c it is the BOMB!

I did NOT know that girl could dance like that.....she is so sweet and FUN and an amazing runner and the NUUN team will benefit greatly by having her there!

Please check out her video here  ( I promise it will be 2 min well spent!) and then go to the NUUN Facebook page Here and just post a comment about how they NEED to put HLOVE on their team!!

Go Harm! you're the best!!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

1-2 mile run doc suggested....unsuccessful....

I got up full of HOPE yesterday morning...I lasted about .5 miles on the treadmill. It hurt too much and had to stop. I feel FINE when I'm walking...it's just as SOON as I leave the ground and that right leg hits the treadmill...ouch! right there in that SPOT on the side of my leg. hmph!

I am really starting to wonder if maybe it IS a stress fracture.....almost 4wks now without running and I still can't run...hmmm...
I DESPERATELY want to run the sauvie island flat half I'm registered for.
such a BUMMER!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

What the Doc said....

I only have about 2 min to post....I'm sorry so this isn't really going to be all that informative or have to much detail but otherwise I won't get a chance til tomorrow.
first off, thank you for all the support on my last post...I have decided to not go for psychological counselling for my running addiction afterall;) though it was a nice suggestion. (pardon my sarcasm).
ANYWAY.....the doctor....
first off, I knew Dr. Foland was an amazing marathoner...but I had NO idea this man has run over 35 marathons and 25 of them have been between 2:30 and 2:37. His best marathon time was 2:30:04. That is pretty incredible. This man knows running injuries and knows alot about running in general. He spent an hour in there with me, which I'm sure is not normal...I felt bad but he was VERY helpful!
overall diagnosis:

-I have a strained (possible minor tearing) of the perennial and soleus muscles. i have a talus( part of my ankle) that is rotated out a bit.
-he thinks I overtrained a bit which caused the strain and then running the additional 4 miles from mile 22- mile 26 on my marathon after I felt it tear did cellular level damage.
-he was very adament about not doing the long marathon paced runs that I told him we do in training. He told me that it is unecessary to get to where I want to get and that my body cannot recover from that quickly enough which causes over training and injury and that if I keep it up, I will continue to get injured. So...looks like I will only be doing long progression runs and long easy runs on my next marathon cycle:)
-he THINKS with some more graston massage, adjustments to my hip and ankle, and adjustments to my training schedule I should be fine.

HOWEVER, he also said that IF I am not getting any better in the next week or 2 he needs to order a bone scan for a stress fracture. boo.
he told me to try to run 1-2 miles this morning but stop if i'm limping.
I tired..made it half a mile and stopped:( pain in one spot on my leg (not good...could mean stress fracture) and a feeling of general weakness in my leg.

overall...I am not concerned. Even if it IS a stress fracture, then I will just need to take another 4+ weeks off..but you know what ..the eliptical is not all that bad. I actually like it better now taht I adjusted the stride length:)

I am blessed...atleast I still have 2 legs.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Doctor appt today!

today at 3:45pm I will go see Dr. John Foland. He might not have any more information for me than what My husband has already told me ....but I just want to check. Dr. Foland is an INCREDIBLE marathoner himself so he understands running and the way it effects the body so hopefully he has good news for me.

I have been trying to think of all the positives from this very crappy situation:

1. Perhaps this is happening to help me realize my dependence on God and spend more time with him. I have been having a really hard time the last few months b/c of various things in my life and I have drawn away from Him which has made me sad. I spent some time reading scriptures on the eliptical the other day which I can't do on the treadmill so that was a plus.

2. I never have time to fit in all my running miles AND strength training...so perhaps this is a time to gain muscles and become stronger overall....not just in my legs.

okay...sadly...that's all I can come up with right now....
however, I could give you an endless list on why this ISN'T cool.

for starters...I just dropped my daughters off at my friends for her preschool and COULD go out and enjoy the beautiful day with a run....but I can't. I am stuck inside blogging instead. My legs are too sore to do the eliptical b/c I decided to do too many leg presses and squats with 15lb weights yesterday. what an idiot.

I feel myself losing motivation. It has been 24 days since I could run:( I feel out of shape, gross, unmotivated...un-athletic and just plain stupid. Everything I have worked at is going out the window...I don't seem to care about what I'm eating, how much sleep I'm getting....my routine has just gone to crap. I sleep in too late..then don't want to get out of bed.
at this point...I feel like i'm looking at AT LEAST another 4wks (MINIMUM) as my leg still hurts a tonne when I try to run, before I can run and by that point, it will be like starting over. I worked so hard the last 8 mos to start over. so lame!

oh well.....I am trying NOT to think about it too much during the day or else I end up feeling like this and THIS is not going to get me anywhere is it?

I will just keep plugging along and see where this road takes me......

and I will probably feel quite the opposite of everything I just wrote by tomorrow...My emotions seem to change hourly. ...that's just an extra little bonus that comes along with this injury package;o)


Friday, June 3, 2011

Bad news...

I just got home...sat on the couch and bawled my eyes out. I need to vent so i'm sorry if this post is a downer. you may skip it if you like but I need to DUMP so I can get over it and move on!

My heart... I can feel it physically aching. My mind is racing and my patience is gone.
after 3 LONG weeks of COMPLETE rest, I hopped on the treadmill this morning...HOPEFUL.
but by the 3rd step the SAME pain I felt at mile 22 of my marathon was back. NO difference. no change. not any better:(

I know so many of you have been here before. Please help me? I feel so sad and distraught right now.
I didn't even get to end on a high. I am still feeling a bit sad about the marathon and now this. I feel
completely. DEFEATED.

I am trying to look past the half marathon I've been dreaming of running for 2yrs and think about the 10K and 15K I plan to run in Sept/October. It helps a Little but not enough.
I know this too shall pass.
this too shall pass. this too shall pass...

Off to the Sports Chiropractor on Tuesday, I wanted to get in today but he was full.

I need to dig deep. Depression runs in my family...I have suffered from it badly after each child and certain circumstances (like this one) can trigger me to crawl into my bed and not come out for days:( I don't want to put my family through this. I am stronger than an injury or any set back. I can get through this.

The hardest part is putting on a happy face when inside I am miserable.

I will head to the pool today...my friends will say "how did the run go?"
I will explain what's happened or maybe I won't and it will be dealt with a  simple "oh that sucks" which feels like a response appropriate for when you go to your favorite restaurant for lunch and they were out of your favorite salad dressing..... my non-running friends TRY to understand and I love them for even caring...but they don't understand how running has become a living breathing companion for me....and it's hard to explain.... it's like taking away my best friend in an instant and telling me you don't know when she'll be back or if our friendship will ever be the same when she returns.

Back from Maui.....Pictures! and running dilemma..need a pick me up!

I'm Back!
what  A Trip! we had so much fun. I don't even know where to start. Not being a great writer at all....how do I blog about a 6 day trip?I have trouble blogging about 1 day. hmm.... I am not very good at this.
Anyway, perhaps I will share some highlights of the trip in bullet form for now b/c then I'm off to BED!

- Girls were fabulous on the plane! you never know with my little mooshy...can be hit or miss...
-arrived and checked in and headed STRAIGHT to the beach!!!
- We did a snorkel tour on Monday to Molokini crater and then turtle town. By this time Erika as SO overtired (we had a 3hr time diff so she was waking up at 4:30am (7:30am our time)). the she had a total break down and I got to spend all of 5min in the water at Molokini. Steve was out with Megan and I just wanted him to enjoy himself. I could have thrown her overboard in the height of the screaming lol.  once we got to Turtle town, I jumped in and immediately saw a sea turtle. saw a total of 3 in 20min. They are such graceful creatures:)
-Getting to be the one who did my mom's hair/makeup for her wedding day! so special!
-Got to do some snorkelling with steve ALONE which I LOVED
-stuffing my face all week long! I drank so much pepsi it was disgusting:) but I LOOOOVE it!
-seeing my daughters play like BEST FRIENDS! reminded me of me and my sister Tracey when were little and on vacations. warmed my heart!
-relaxing and really not thinking "too much" about running or work...just enjoying the freedom to eat and sleep as I pleased:)
-Getting woken up by Steve at 12:15am last night b/c he is in extreme pain! find bite marks on his back...rush him to the ER find out he was bit by a venomous centepede.
dont' get much sleep when we get home at 2:30am. would like to know where this Centipede IS!
-Thurs morning...while packing up...come across the centipede in Erika's swimsuit on the floor. about DIED! see pics below.
DISGUSTING.

Anyway...here are some photos and I will post more later this is all I had on my iPhone but Steve has some BEAUTIFUL pics of the wedding etc!
Arriving in MAUI!

 Megan and I seeing my mom for the first time in a YEAR when we woke up the next morning!

one of my Athleta swim suits. I love this sports bra top:)
 my new friend:) lots of cute gecko's!
 my cute babies!!
 not good coloring in this pic b/c of the flash on my iphone but this was after makeup was done:)
 can't wait to see the PROFESSIONAL pics steve took! 
 at the wedding dinner at a beach front restaurant
 me and my momma!
 this photo takes the cake for the WHOLE VACATION. 
My mom with her grand daughters...they all look beautiful!
 stevie and I on the beach. I look short. 
( I AM short, but I look even shorter)
 girls spent ENDLESS hours in the sand!
 I was taking a picture of megan and this man walked by and just 
offered to snap a pic of me and meg:) that was nice!
 sweet baby girl!
 PIGGING out last night at "Bubba GUMPS"! .....
seriously who can eat that much ice cream? we tried but failed. 

 Aaaaand Last but not least.....

Yes..this thing was in our bed last night. I still dont' know if I will sleep tonight. 
what if another came home with us??????:/


Now...onto the RUNNING:

let me give you an idea of where I'm coming from right now.
I have not been able to run a single step in 3 weeks now since my marathon. Intially I knew I would have 2wks off and was okay with that. Then as Maui approached it seemed the extra week was a good idea since my leg didn't feel fully healed...BUT I was okay with the 3wks b/c I THOUGHT I would be fine by now.

I STILL have pain in my calf AND my ankle:(
My Half marathon is in 4wks.
This is not ANY half marathon. This is the Sauvie Island half marathon on July 4th:
HISTORY: I ran this as my first half marathon less than 2years ago in 2009. I had hardly trained....only did 1 10 mile run....I didn't have a CLUE what i was doing. I ran it in 1:49:24 (8:21 pace). I had never run faster than a 9min pace in the 6mo's I had been running to this point (and had been running 8-20 miles a week). This was sort of the start for me to realizing I might actually have some talent.

Last year I didn't run it b/c it was on a Sunday so I have been WAITING to run this race AGAIN for almost 2yrs. When I hired Joel in September (9mos ago). THIS was THE RACE I wanted to train for. This was THE RACE I was going to KILL! It is a TOTALLY FLAT fast course.....and I am itching for a big PR on my 1:32.....but I dont' think it's going to happen and I am truely SAD.

Now before you start in with "there will be other races" etc etc...I agree. whole heartedly. I have been trying to stay totally rational about this and look at the BIG PICTURE but it doesn't make it any easier. I have 2 of my very good friends that I convinced to run this with me..one of them it will be her first half marathon and it just really really SUCKS!

3wks ago I finished training by running a very self defeating marathon. yes I have dealt with the best I can BUT it still stings, knowing I lost my chance to do what I was trained to do...what i was READY to do. and now that i haven't run at all in 3wks, I know I have lost a lot of fitness and the chances of making a come back for my July 4th half are slim.......
I am watching some very good friends preparing for big races in the next few weeks and I am SO excited for them...but I won't even try to pretend that my heart doesn't ache to be where they are right now.

When something goes SO wrong after training SO hard, it leaves a mark. I want to be them right now. I want to go back to 4wks ago and change the circumstances. I feel like I got robbed.
I need a come back race to help me regain confidence. I need SOMETHING to help me feel like I am still a runner. I want to run FAST..but I can't even gallop down the driveway:(:( I find myself thinking things like "do you think you could even run an easy pace of 8:30 right now?" " I am losing everything I've worked for the last 8mos" "maybe I am just not supposed to be a runner".

I am feeling a bit defeated.
I am encouraged by the fact that so many of you have come back after injuries stronger and better but the pain still stings when you're in the present.

I am going to TRY to run tomorrow.....in hopes that maybe I have had pain when I tried to jog a few steps b/c I didn't have the right shoes on, or b/c the sand was too soft and deep???? but I am trying to be realistic.
we will see how it goes. ...it doesn't help that I have been sick for over a week....stupid cold...is now in my chest.