I don't think this decision CAN possibly be easy for me.
I have spent the last 8 mos dreaming of Boston. I have spent the last 15wks training day in and day out, in Rain, hail, snow....never giving up, never quitting, b/c my dream of running a sub 3:15 IN Boston was my GOAL. It was my focus. My dream.
and now here I am.
It's been 5 days without running b/c when I tried to run Tuesday morning I couldn't even make it 5 steps.
At first we just thought it was my glutes. a tear maybe?
however...the signs and symptoms are pointing straight at a Femoral Stress Fracture.
Ugh. yes I said it. I can't even believe it, but it's the most likely possibility at this point.
Is this a bad dream? is the marathon that tore me down last year and all it's unlucky mishaps happening AGAIN?
it looks like it.
Monday in Boston is calling for 90 degrees. they are advising anyone without alot of marathon experience nto to run. Anyone who hasn't trained in this heat, not to run.
well...both of those describe me. I remember how the heat and stress fracture affected my performance last year and I am not here to run another 3:35 marathon while barely hobbling across the finish line.
The ONE good news is that for the first time, the Boston Marathon is allowing an automatic entry into next year for anyone who wants to defer and not run. But the catch is you can't even START. You have drop out by tomorrow night.
So...here are my options:
1) TRY to run. If it a Stress fracture, the pain will get so bad that it will stop me, eventually and most likely before the finish line. I will have to walk off the course. However, I risk doing major damage to my leg. if it is muscular (which i'm sure it's not), i could run through the pain on Ibuprofen BUT chances of getting near my goal time are slim ..with injury and heat..its just not likely, at all. if I didn't re-qualify with a 3:35 or less or if I dropped out, I wouldn't have a chance to run Boston next year. I would Have to run another marathon and qualify before september of this year and that isn't an opportunity I am going to have.
2) DEFER:( go home, take 6wks off and let this leg heal. YES, it IS looking alot like last year this time isn't it? what the hell is wrong with me! grrrr.
BUT atleast I have auotmatic entry for next year when I can come back with a VENGEANCE:) that is actually VERY good news and perhaps might be the only answer from all the prayers that have been being said on my behalf.
So....what would YOU do? I think I already know the right answer but its so hard to do! part of me just stil wants to get out there, drug up on some pain killers and RUN!!!!!!!
I can't believe I might be a SPECTATOR at this race and not a runner. it's a tough pill to swallow when I spent thousands and i mean THOUSANDS of dollars to come here....for what? clam chowder?
I'm kidding..but really...I never imagined in a thousand years that after all the blood, sweat and tears I have put into this training, I would be sitting here typing this.
Is my heart broken? yes.
will I survive? yes.
will I train for another marathon? yes, but probably only one more and if I can't get there healthy, I will need to stick to halfs, 10K's and 5k's.
Do I want to cry and kick and scream? yes.
have I? no:) lol...i'm being remarkably strong through all this. perhaps it's all your prayers that are carrying me at this time.
I feel sad that I've let you all down. I feel sad that my coach won't get to see all the hard work pay off. I feel sad that my mom and my friends drove and flew hours to watch my kids so I could come do this......
it's all just very disappointing. I know it will pass and there are MUCH bigger problems in the world....the world does NOT revolve around my running goals. I will get over it, past it, through it, whatever...but it still just SUCKS. but like I've been saying all along :
"It is what it is". Life is not all about ME.
Actually, the worst part for me is the thought of going home and having to take another 2mos off of running. THIS breaks my heart the MOST.
I am not sure why this is happening, but I have to trust that God see's the bigger picture I don't see....and perhaps it is all just to try to increase my faith in Him. Sometimes the test is whether the trial will make us angry, bitter and resentful toward God, or will it humble us and help us see how dependent we really are on Him?
anyway...I would LOVE to hear YOUR feedback and thoughts on my DILEMMA!....
thanks friends!!
xxx