About me

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

searching for peace amongst chaos and drama...

For the past year or two, I have found myself yearning for my life to go back to the basics. Being able to have the time and freedom to focus on whats most important to me. My family.

I am a stay at home mom...but one who also runs a business....so it becomes a tad crazy. Trying to answer hundreds of emails every week while taking care of a home, 2 kids and also trying to train makes me feel like I am going to lose my mind some days.

I can't adequately describe the chaotic-ness of my life sometimes. I'm sure many of you "get it". Being a mom is crazy enough...and so i have yearned to have to do nothing but take care of my kids and be a wife to my husband. Unfortunately, the reality is that we are trying to pay of this chiropractic clinic we bought last year and I need to keep earning money.
Not only that, but I really do LOVE what I do. Makeup...is....just painting on a 3D canvas for me. It is my art and my joy....but sometimes that joy gets lost when I am juggling the business aspect of it all and a few other artists who are working for me now too.
It is A LOT. it is OVERWHELMING on many days. sometimes, like tonight, i Just want to sit down and cry. It has been a LONG 6yrs....

There seems to always be fires to put out and drama to settle. It is wearing me out.
I seem to have been surrounded by alot of drama lately.....whenever this happens, I become very introverted. I want to hide in my room til it all goes away.
I find myself yearning for PEACE. I retreat to my room, trying to get a way from the chaos, the noise. The internal jibber jabber in my head. I pull out my scriptures, I read from the bible and the Book of Mormon, searching for words of comfort from the Savior. I snuggle up to my husband and hope he will say something that will make me feel like I will get through this week. I write in my journal that I haven't written in for so long, hopeing and praying for answers and clarity. I blog. Not sure why I am blogging about this. I do not normally share these types of things on here...I like to keep it to running..I don't like being vulnerable, but tonight I need to vent.

I am doing my very best. I am trying to be a good friend,a good wife, a good mother and a successful business owner. Days like today just make me want to throw in the towel....I got some weird emails from a certain person about the way I am running my business and it really hurt. this person has NO idea how hard I have worked for 6yrs to build this up BY MYSELF and I wanted to scream. Even my husband was infuriated. There is no reason to retaliate though b/c it would only make things worse.
I sometimes wonder, what the heck am I doing? I don't know anything about business....I am an artist. some how I have managed to get this far and I'm not really sure how. I feel insecure and scared sometimes....like I'm not doing all the right things I should be. Steve tells me how I need to be blogging more wedding photos to gain ranks on google.com etc...but all I hear is "more work, more work, more work" and all my heart is screaming out for is: "slow down, slow down, slow down".
some day my kids will be grown. I find myself feelings sad lately at the thought of them growing up. I have worked so hard the last 2 yrs so I COULD have more free time..this is why I hired and trained 2 other girls to do makeup and why I recently hired a friend to be my assistant and help with emails/contracts...but every time I turn around it seems like something or someone is requireing me to do more and I just can't.

My heart is filled with sadness tonight.I jsut want to go hold my babies. I don't want to lose my business but at the same time, somedays I just wish it would all fade into the background and I could just spend day after day with my girls and not have to worry about any of that stuff anymore. It seems our time is so often interrupted by emails/phone calls and scheduling for brides.

So, I will continue to search for peace. To pray. Toask the Lord to guide me in my life and show me the way to go.He has always done so and I know He will.
I realize on nights like this how much I need Him. How much I love my family and how important they are to me. How i don't want to go through life with regrets. I will continue to work on slowing down and taking in the small moments, knowing that things will work out. they always do.
I will count my blessings before i go to sleep tonight and hopefully things look better in the morning.

6 comments:

  1. Ah, Nicole, just want you to know that I'm reading this and you're on my mind tonight. Gosh, you've touched on some BIG things here. Really big things that so many of us can relate to. I'm amazed by how well you do it all...your very successful business, running, your kids, inspiring others. And being a good friend. You're doing a good job Nicole. A really good job. And even with all of this, you have still managed to show so much love to your friends...I've felt very supported by you. Thank you. Yes, pray about this, count your blessings, reflect and the answers will come to you. Think with your head while following your heart. Hope you wake up tomorrow with some new peace and clarity. Oh, and that e-mail...there is always someone out there that thinks they know better and that there is a different way to do things. Some people think it is their right to put their nose where it doesn't belong but the truth is, this is your business and you're doing a good job. You are known by many to be the best make up artist around and you're surely gifted at what you do. You'll have time to get the business part tuned up to go along with your ART but for now...baby steps. Maintain. You're doing a great job.

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  2. We are kindered spirits - *it's ok if that freaks you out- we are strangers, lol* but really - post after post- I notice we think/feel the same ways about life. I am introvert when drama rolls in too and seek the same passions out of life- what I notice more and more (to which my kind heart is completely oblivious to) there is so much hate/jelousy/drama in the world, to the means of which I could never understand. It absolutely floors me, saddens me, disturbs me and eitht thousand other emotions at the same when people try to make us feel badly for us really doing what we love, or trying to be good at. It sucks. I'm sorry that happened to you. I am still working on an ill rumor about me having an affair at the gym I go to. Like- Wow- Really- I come here and run and work out hard- mind my business and you have to have jelous haters rocking the boat. No- that's just it Nicole- they are not trying to rock boats and just mildly make you upset- they actually want you to capsize your boat. Jelousy is a spiteful thing that people feel. This person perhaps wants what you have- just look at your life- you know it's GREAT- even with the bumps in the road that we all have- you have something Woman Go CRAZY for - Ok, so what we all need to do when that happens is to do this, talk and vent and gather your thoughts and emotions and painfully accept the crueltly of others and try to eliminate that from your life. and I don't know the ins/outs of your business and who this was (client, past worker, etc) but maybe you need to be very incredilby clear with your workers expecations and chances to not be perfect as doing this on your own is a learning curve for you.

    Ok- I'm rambling- I'm GREAT at that. But when I read your header I immediate thought "Peace amongst chaos and drama- that's why we Run ;-) " And then you used the term throwing in the towel and I just yesterday wrote a blog post about that, lol

    Hang in there Nicole ;-)
    Connie~

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  3. Sorry you are having a hard time. i think you are speaking to what we as women deal with every day. Trying to juggle all the things we want to do and trying to be good at all of them. I feel the same way sometimes. I think you are an amazing, beautiful, strong woman and even when you write about being discouraged I feel inspired by you. I love the realness of this post and I pray you find the peace you need.

    Hugs

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  4. Girl I feel you here, sometimes it is difficult to juggle everything. And the whole turning your passion into you business can be really tricky and consuming. I don't know how you do it and I've always admired your courage and strength to be a mom, business woman, wife, daughter, friend, and runner. Keep your head up and don't yet give up on your dreams, you are the perfect role model for those little ladies in your life.

    Sending you hugs!

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  5. I struggle with finding peace and balance A LOT of the time and I don't have a job to juggle. For some reason just keeping up with the house and laundry seems to be a full-time job. My youngest two are home still and I know I will blink and they'll be in school. It happens so fast. It's hard to make myself STOP cleaning or whatever is on my agenda to just sit down and play with my daughter. Like you, I don't want to have any regrets. Especially when it comes to my kids! I think it's great you have a flexible job that you get to do what you LOVE. That is a huge blessing. Some days are definitely more challenging than others but it sounds like you have a very loving husband and two wonderful daughters!! : )

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  6. I want to give you a huge hug! Here are my words of encouragement:
    1. God never gives you more than you can handle (cliche, yes, but true)
    2. You have an incredible business and you are fabulous at what you do. You have done my make-up twice and it looks amazing every time. You make women feel so incredibly beautiful every time you paint their face and that is an incredible gift you have.
    3. Even if you can't spend all the time with your girls that you want (all us working moms feel the same way here) they will see you as an incredible role model. A mom that built her own business, trained her butt off to run, and was able to be a great mom.
    4. There will always be haters out there. Try to ignore them. Usually these people are unhappy and they feel the need to bring others down.
    5. It's ok to cry. There will always be people suffering more than you but that doesn't mean you are not valid for having the feelings you have. Sometimes life just kinda sucks. Cry, I swear it helps.

    I'll be thinking about you! Good luck with Boston! I hope to get there some day...

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