For the past year or two, I have found myself yearning for my life to go back to the basics. Being able to have the time and freedom to focus on whats most important to me. My family.
I am a stay at home mom...but one who also runs a business....so it becomes a tad crazy. Trying to answer hundreds of emails every week while taking care of a home, 2 kids and also trying to train makes me feel like I am going to lose my mind some days.
I can't adequately describe the chaotic-ness of my life sometimes. I'm sure many of you "get it". Being a mom is crazy enough...and so i have yearned to have to do nothing but take care of my kids and be a wife to my husband. Unfortunately, the reality is that we are trying to pay of this chiropractic clinic we bought last year and I need to keep earning money.
Not only that, but I really do LOVE what I do. Makeup...is....just painting on a 3D canvas for me. It is my art and my joy....but sometimes that joy gets lost when I am juggling the business aspect of it all and a few other artists who are working for me now too.
It is A LOT. it is OVERWHELMING on many days. sometimes, like tonight, i Just want to sit down and cry. It has been a LONG 6yrs....
There seems to always be fires to put out and drama to settle. It is wearing me out.
I seem to have been surrounded by alot of drama lately.....whenever this happens, I become very introverted. I want to hide in my room til it all goes away.
I find myself yearning for PEACE. I retreat to my room, trying to get a way from the chaos, the noise. The internal jibber jabber in my head. I pull out my scriptures, I read from the bible and the Book of Mormon, searching for words of comfort from the Savior. I snuggle up to my husband and hope he will say something that will make me feel like I will get through this week. I write in my journal that I haven't written in for so long, hopeing and praying for answers and clarity. I blog. Not sure why I am blogging about this. I do not normally share these types of things on here...I like to keep it to running..I don't like being vulnerable, but tonight I need to vent.
I am doing my very best. I am trying to be a good friend,a good wife, a good mother and a successful business owner. Days like today just make me want to throw in the towel....I got some weird emails from a certain person about the way I am running my business and it really hurt. this person has NO idea how hard I have worked for 6yrs to build this up BY MYSELF and I wanted to scream. Even my husband was infuriated. There is no reason to retaliate though b/c it would only make things worse.
I sometimes wonder, what the heck am I doing? I don't know anything about business....I am an artist. some how I have managed to get this far and I'm not really sure how. I feel insecure and scared sometimes....like I'm not doing all the right things I should be. Steve tells me how I need to be blogging more wedding photos to gain ranks on google.com etc...but all I hear is "more work, more work, more work" and all my heart is screaming out for is: "slow down, slow down, slow down".
some day my kids will be grown. I find myself feelings sad lately at the thought of them growing up. I have worked so hard the last 2 yrs so I COULD have more free time..this is why I hired and trained 2 other girls to do makeup and why I recently hired a friend to be my assistant and help with emails/contracts...but every time I turn around it seems like something or someone is requireing me to do more and I just can't.
My heart is filled with sadness tonight.I jsut want to go hold my babies. I don't want to lose my business but at the same time, somedays I just wish it would all fade into the background and I could just spend day after day with my girls and not have to worry about any of that stuff anymore. It seems our time is so often interrupted by emails/phone calls and scheduling for brides.
So, I will continue to search for peace. To pray. Toask the Lord to guide me in my life and show me the way to go.He has always done so and I know He will.
I realize on nights like this how much I need Him. How much I love my family and how important they are to me. How i don't want to go through life with regrets. I will continue to work on slowing down and taking in the small moments, knowing that things will work out. they always do.
I will count my blessings before i go to sleep tonight and hopefully things look better in the morning.