The reason I say “Amanda Style” is b/c I am going to try to be as raw and open as I can be here. Even if it means that some of you think of me differently. She is so good at that and it has helped me to have the courage to try it. This is really really hard for me to expose myself but I think it will help me. I have been going back and forth about posting any of this…
First off, I am not going to lie. “Anonymous”, or “Ilsa” as she wrote me again yesterday under that name and then deleted it, has gotten under my skin. I pretend like it doesn’t affect me, but it does.
I have been thinking and thinking, b/c maybe there is something to what she says. So I have been pondering and reviewing myself under a microscope the last few days and here’s what I want to say.
I am an extremely SENSITIVE person. I am very emotional, I Love deeply and passionately. I fall in love easily and care for others with my whole heart, (once you capture it;)). I yearn for deep loving relationships with my family and my friends. I get hurt easily and am easily offended. Sometimes I hold a grudge if I’m really hurt. I want people to like me. I want to be loved in return.
Do I like Praise? YES. Do I need it? I think I do. I know my love language is “Words of Affirmation” so perhaps this is why. I DO feel the most loved by people when they sincerely compliment me or give me praise. I would rather have a note from someone expressing their thoughts and feelings to me and telling me how great they think I am than a million dollar present any day. It just makes me feel so good, happy and again….LOVED. Is this wrong? Am I normal?.
But in return I ALSO Love to compliment others. I am a builder. I always try to build others up and help them believe in themselves. That they can do ANYTHING they put their minds to. I encourage and uplift others in their goals and dreams as often as I can. I try to motivate others. I tell my friends they are beautiful and that they are doing great in their accomplishments. I want others to feel GOOD about themselves. I suppose I share Love the same way I want to receive it in return. I need to learn my friends love languages and love them accordingly.
As a little girl, I was ALWAYS trying to get my mom and dad’s attention. (they divorced when I was 3yrs old). I felt that if I impressed them, they would tell me how proud they were of me and THAT is how I felt loved.
However, the question I have been asking myself the last few days is WHY do I feel that I NEED Praise to feel good about myself? ….the person I want it from the most is my husband. I find myself asking him "Are you proud of me?" even when I know I won't get the answer I want and setting myself up to get hurt. WHY do I do that??!! He doesn’t really like that I run, it causes lots of arguments and disagreements and makes my heart ache like nothing else.
Perhaps that is why I seek it from all of You. This blog is where I come when I need a boost. When I need to hear “you’re doing great!”, “ you CAN do this!”, “ you are an amazing runner!”. Yes it’s true. It makes me feel like I'm good enough. THIS is my support system right here.
Regardless, the conclusion I’ve come to is that I NEED to be okay with my successes and failures, REGARDLESS of whether anyone else tells me I did a great job or not. THAT is my challenge I guess-to Stop SEEKING outside praise, and BE OKAY with ME. I don’t need to let everyone know why my run/race was slower than normal, or why it was SO great. I don’t need to explain these things. I can just be happy with them for what they are. I need to be able to sit in quiet reverence and have the feeling of self achievement be ENOUGH. I am Enough.-This is what I need to work on.
This is so much easier said than done.
We all have weaknesses. These are mine I guess. More challenging than they seem when I write them out here. This involves changing who I have always been.
So, Anonymous, THANK YOU! Thank you for helping me to reflect. You have not brought me down, or made me feel poorly as you probably hoped you would. You have brought me to a place of self reflection and from here I will be a better person for it. I am using your critical comments and nasty emails to be BETTER, b/c I am that kind of person. I will always pick myself back up. I will never give up or allow someone to steal my dreams. I am so FAR From perfect, but you don’t know me. You can’t judge me. You have never lived a moment in my shoes. You don’t know what it was like to grow up the way I did. I have already overcome so much and I will continue to do so.