About me

Saturday, April 14, 2012

What would YOU do?

Amanda encouraged me to write this hoping it might make things a little "easier" to weed through.
I don't think this decision CAN possibly be easy for me.
I have spent the last 8 mos dreaming of Boston. I have spent the last 15wks training day in and day out, in Rain, hail, snow....never giving up, never quitting, b/c my dream of running a sub 3:15 IN Boston was my GOAL. It was my focus. My dream.

and now here I am.
It's been 5 days without running b/c when I tried to run Tuesday morning I couldn't even make it 5 steps.
At first we just thought it was my glutes. a tear maybe?
however...the signs and symptoms are pointing straight at a Femoral Stress Fracture.

Ugh. yes I said it. I can't even believe it, but it's the most likely possibility at this point.
Is this a bad dream? is the marathon that tore me down last year and all it's unlucky mishaps happening AGAIN?
it looks like it.
Monday in Boston is calling for 90 degrees. they are advising anyone without alot of marathon experience nto to run. Anyone who hasn't trained in this heat, not to run.
well...both of those describe me. I remember how the heat  and stress fracture affected my performance last year and I am not here to run another 3:35 marathon while barely hobbling across the finish line.

The ONE good news is that for the first time, the Boston Marathon is allowing an automatic entry into next year for anyone who wants to defer and not run. But the catch is you can't even START. You have drop out by tomorrow night.

So...here are my options:

1) TRY to run. If it a Stress fracture, the pain will get so bad that it will stop me, eventually and most likely before the finish line. I will have to walk off the course. However, I risk doing major damage to my leg. if it is muscular (which i'm sure it's not), i could run through the pain on Ibuprofen BUT chances of getting near my goal time are slim ..with injury and heat..its just not likely, at all. if I didn't re-qualify with a 3:35 or less or if I dropped out, I wouldn't have a chance to run Boston next year. I would Have to run another marathon and qualify before september of this year and that isn't an opportunity I am going to have.

2) DEFER:( go home, take 6wks off and let this leg heal. YES, it IS looking alot like last year this time isn't it? what the hell is wrong with me! grrrr.
BUT atleast I have auotmatic entry for next year when I can come back with a VENGEANCE:) that is actually VERY good news and perhaps might be the only answer from all the prayers that have been being said on my behalf.


So....what would YOU do? I think I already know the right answer but its so hard to do! part of me just stil wants to get out there, drug up on some pain killers and RUN!!!!!!!

I can't believe I might be a SPECTATOR at this race and not a runner. it's a tough pill to swallow when I spent thousands and i mean THOUSANDS of dollars to come here....for what? clam chowder?
I'm kidding..but really...I never imagined in a thousand years that after all the blood, sweat and tears I have put into this training, I would be sitting here typing this.


Is my heart broken? yes.
will I survive? yes.
will  I train for another marathon? yes, but probably only one more and if I can't get there healthy, I will need to stick to halfs, 10K's and 5k's.
Do I want to cry and kick and scream? yes.
have I? no:) lol...i'm being remarkably strong through all this. perhaps it's all your prayers that are carrying me at this time.

I feel sad that I've let you all down. I feel sad that my coach won't get to see all the hard work pay off. I feel sad that my mom and my friends drove and flew hours to watch my kids so I could come do this......
it's all just very disappointing. I know it will pass and there are MUCH bigger problems in the world....the world does NOT revolve around my running goals. I will get over it, past it, through it, whatever...but it still just SUCKS. but like I've been saying all along :

"It is what it is". Life is not all about ME.

Actually, the worst part for me is the thought of going home and having to take another 2mos off of running. THIS breaks my heart the MOST.
I am not sure why this is happening, but I have to trust that God see's the bigger picture I don't see....and perhaps it is all just to try to increase my faith in Him. Sometimes the test is whether the trial will make us angry, bitter and resentful toward God, or will it humble us and help us see how dependent we really are on Him?

anyway...I would LOVE to hear YOUR feedback and thoughts on my DILEMMA!....
thanks friends!!
xxx

32 comments:

  1. If the pain is serious enough to even ask this question I'd defer. As crappy as that is, this deferment option sounds like golden opportunity that has fallen into your lap.

    I'm really sorry to hear about this injury. It's a really hard decision. You've had a killer training cycle. I'd hate to see this turn into a lasting injury. You have far too much talent!

    Good luck with whatever you decide!

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  2. If it were me, It's not worth risking it. I think I would defer and go after 2013. I'm really Sorry- My Heart is truly aching for you Nicole. I had the honor of magically finding you a few months ago and you have so inspired me- and not just because your fast- but because your heart is pure, laced with all the greatest intentions. You have trained hard. We celebrated you- we encouraged you- we supported you and did everything perfect. You did nothing wrong. You didn't do anything wrong- you MUST know that. Our bodys all have a threshold and perhaps this is going to teach you exactly what your maximum mileage should be before you start to walk that line of injury. So it's a learning experience, a tough one indeed and yes It's totally NOT fair- It's not. I feel cheated for you and I know your heart is aching and I know your sad, yet I can sense the relief at this amazing opportunity to try again next year. Divine Intervention Sweetie- the heat- the deferment- seriously- how many times in Boston History has this happened? I could never be dissapointed in you and I'm confident as I speak for all others when I say that too. You have left others proud of you- inspired by you- in awe of you- you have Ran so many aamzing training runs and all those personal bests and PR's can never be taken from you- they get added to your "Awesomeness"
    No matter what you decide- we all stand behind you- carrying you in prayers and positive thoughts ♥
    Connie~

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    1. Connie! Thank u! Your words always lift and inspire me. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  3. You are so stinking loved Nicole. And I'm in awe of how well you are dealing with this. It has been so wonderful to be here with you and I know you will make the right decision. My heart hurts for you because I know how HARD you worked for this. But there will be more for you. And if you come back, I'll be here too. I love you sweet Nicole!!

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    1. I love you too and I will be cheering for you louder than anyone!! Even Waylon!! Ha!

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  4. Oh sweet Nicole...So hard to give advice not being inside your body. A decision you have to make for yourself but one I feel like you might have already made. As an honest friend, my gut would say to step back from this one....I truly believe you could do great things on this course healthy but it is punishing and a less than perfect body compounded by heat that you are unaccustomed to is NOT a recipe for success....If you are SURE you want to run Boston and you are UNSURE that you can complete this race you've just been given an opportunity for 2013 regardless of whether you even run another marathon this year!!!

    As far as letting people down!!! God, no one wants to see you mangle yourself!!! You have let NO ONE down. Not your friends, not your coach!

    It IS very disappointing and it should be. You've poured your heart into this and you've made a ton of sacrifices to get here!!! There is a whole lot of Shitiness involved in this whole situation and a hissy fit is OK!!! FORTUNATELY though, you have been blessed with the opportunity to share this experience with some very special people and watching THEM complete the Boston marathon is rewarding in itself! I'm thankful for that for YOU!!! I'm super impressed with your attitude. I'm proud of your outlook here. You defer and perhaps I will see you there in 2013:) I have absolutely no doubt that you would be there with a VENGEANCE!!!!

    OK-thinking of you SO much...Relating and understanding and sympathizing:(

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    1. All you had to say was u would be here next year. Sold. ;);( xxxx

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  5. Oh girl.... I am SO sorry! I had no idea your injury was that bad. So right now can you even run at all? If you started jogging right now would it hurt? Does it feel like a stress fracture? (compared to what you felt last spring?) I KNEW when I had mine. It just felt WRONG.

    Here is my 2 cents for whatever it's worth... Trying to put myself in your situation here.

    1. If you were able to run and it was just a little "uncomfortable" and you were pretty sure it was not a stress fracture I would run.

    2. BUT- if it hurts to run at all right now and you could possibly have a stress fracture it would NOT be worth it. Running 26.2 miles on a possible stress fracture would most definitely push it over the edge. It could add weeks on to your recovery.

    You are in a difficult situation. It's hard to tell you what to do because I don't know the extent of your pain. If it hurts to run at all then I don't know how you would do 26.2 in 90 degree weather. Running a marathon is hard enough when you are in tip top condition. But if you feel like the pain is more of a discomfort then maybe it would be doable.

    The best thing, like you said is that Boston is allowing for deferment. They NEVER do that!

    Sorry I was not much help. I SO want you to be able to run it since you have spent MONTHS preparing for this race. Hugs & Prayers!!!

    Keep us updated on FB or here!!

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  6. Tia, as of today, I still couldn't run at all. Everything in my soul tells me it is a stress fracture:(:;.;

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  7. Nicole, when I was losing weight, my training team had a goal to complete a high ropes course. I worked my butt off to be able to go to that, to get to that goal, and it was such a dream come true for me to be physically able to do such a thing. D Day came, and I was still 20kg over the maximum. I walked outside when he told me and I cried. And then I picked myself up and walked the course with my team. I encouraged them and told them to keep going and that they could do it. I took photos of them living my dream while I trudged in the mud. It wasnt MY day, but it was a good day. And I just kept on working until I was down enough to go, and I went and did it on my own months later. It wasn't what or when I thought it should have been, but I did get there.

    If I were in your position right now, I'd take the pass and come back next year. We often wish we had a sign to know what to do, I think you have yours. I love the faith you are exercising at this time. You are an inspiration whether you complete Boston on Monday or not. And thats whats important, thats where you have made a difference.

    "A perfect body is not required to achieve one’s divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail or imperfect bodies. Great spiritual strength is often developed by people with physical challenges, precisely because they are so challenged." Elder Russell M Nelson

    And apart from the Boston decision, I just hope you get better soon :)

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  8. Maybe it's because I'm a radiologist, but I think I'd let an MRI help make the decision. Stress fracture? You know what to do. Any option to pop into a local ER and get scanned?

    I want you to run fast and strong. In 2012 Boston or some other time/place. Know this: taking care of your body is not going to let ANYone down.

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  9. Awww Nicole. I am so, so, so sorry! You know your body better than anyone and if it means waiting until next year to run Boston then that is what you should do. I know how hard you have worked I have followed your training and enjoyed seeing your progression. I have no doubts that with some rest and healing you will be back better then ever.

    Hopefully (keeping fingers crossed) I can get into Boston next year and we can run together. :-)

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  10. I know it's so incredibly tough...I've been there one too many times. Follow your heart, that's the best I could offer. Each of us is not you and you know your body best and what you're dealing with. You are one strong and very determined woman. I know I don't comment much on the blog, but I'm a huge admirer and I just can't say enough how much I admire your tenacity. You are awesome!!

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  11. Nicole,

    You are not letting anyone down, I have always looked up to you and we all know that Defering would be a very hard and painful choice for you. But you know that your body is a temple. A very special gift that your Heavenly Father has given to you, and trusts you to take care of. I want to go for a run with you in our happy health bodies 10 years from now and if running on Monday could end your running future, it is NOT WORTH IT! Plus you will go nutty if you can't run, ha ha ha! ;) I love ya Cole, my heart is broken for your situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers, stay Strong!

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  12. You are amazing Nicole! You are such a strong woman. I think I would be having a hysterical tantrum right now if I were you. I admire you and how you are handling all of this. You know I am not a runner and so I have never been in this type of situation, but you should follow your heart, listen to the Holy Ghost and God will help you through this. I'm so sorry you have to face this decision. I will be thinking of you and praying for you to have strength and peace in whatever decision you make.

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  13. You are such a strong woman Nicole! I really admire how you are handling this situation. I think I would be having a hysterical tantrum right about now. You know I am not a runner so I have never had to face a decision like this, but I would follow my heart, listen to the Holy Ghost and I know God can help you through this. I'm so sorry that you are having to make this very difficult decision. I will pray that you can have peace in whatever decision you make.

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  14. I love you, but honestly I think it's an easy decision....not without difficult emotions. There is nothing worth risking further injury with the horrible possibility of doing long term drama. You have trained far too long and hard for that to happen.
    I can't imagine what it's like to come all this way....be IN Boston...and just days away from the race and having to become a spectator....that must ache. But remember this - you have not let anyone done....not your parents, not your girls, your husband, your friends....and not yourself. And we are all rooting for you next year - besides, this gives us all a year to save up and be your real life cheering squad {oh my word - I totally want to come now!!!!}.

    So enjoy watching the race {scope out the competition} and enjoy the opportunity of a getaway with Steve! And take care of your body, Nicole!!! And don't be hard on yourself for anything....we all looooooove you and want you to be at your best! {besides, who wants to race in that kind of heat anyways....blech...suntan instead *grin*}

    xoxo

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  15. I love you, but honestly I think it's an easy decision....not without difficult emotions. There is nothing worth risking further injury with the horrible possibility of doing long term drama. You have trained far too long and hard for that to happen.
    I can't imagine what it's like to come all this way....be IN Boston...and just days away from the race and having to become a spectator....that must ache. But remember this - you have not let anyone done....not your parents, not your girls, your husband, your friends....and not yourself. And we are all rooting for you next year - besides, this gives us all a year to save up and be your real life cheering squad {oh my word - I totally want to come now!!!!}.

    So enjoy watching the race {scope out the competition} and enjoy the opportunity of a getaway with Steve! And take care of your body, Nicole!!! And don't be hard on yourself for anything....we all looooooove you and want you to be at your best! {besides, who wants to race in that kind of heat anyways....blech...suntan instead *grin*}

    xoxo

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  16. You know the answer. I know this is so tough and hard but we love you and are going to support you through it all. Dont think you let anyone down. You will always be an inspiration and role model for so many of us .. even with this choice. I believe God has his hand in all of this .. and everything leading up to it will allow you to pass and run for sure next year. Money SCHMONEY as hard as it will be, you are in Boston and you will be there when Amanda crosses that finish line. Tears of happiness for her and sadness for you. It will be worth the thousands you spent and you will be stronger in the end because of it all. Physically too. You are amazing and I am so proud of you!!! XOXOXOXO

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  17. {urg....had a whole response that suddently disappeared}

    I'm so sad for you but honestly I think it's a no brainer. Nothing is worth the potential of doing more and serious damage - you have trained much too long and hard for that to happen...and the possibility of long term damage that limits your ability to run in the future - ugh, don't even chance it.

    I can't even imagine how heartbreaking it must be to have put all this time and money....annd blood, sweat, and tears, into this....to be IN Boston, just a couple of days from the race, only to be a spectator. But take this opportunity - life has a plan...another whole year to train...a year for us all to save up so we can be real life cheerleaders next year!! {how awesome would that be}....and to scope out the competition ;)

    You have not let anyone down...not your coach, your family, Steve, the girls, or yourself. All of us are rooting for you and want you to do your best! Don't put yourself through the strain of being unable to complete the race or not being at your best...besides, who wants to race in that heat anyways. blech!

    love you - we all love you.....you will achieve this dream and kick it's butt!!! For now, enjoy watching the race and having a wee getaway with Steve!

    xoxo

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  18. I think you have been given an amazing answer to prayer with the deferment option. Sorry that you had to go through it, but now you are on your way to getting stronger again. And that is a blessing too.
    Love ya, girl. Hope you and Steve have an amazing vacation!

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  19. Oh Nicole... It's so strange. I am sitting here right now, feeling like I should want to cry for you in sorrow, but for some reason I instead I have a smile on my face and tears of joy. I am more proud of and inspired by you right now than ever. Like Connie said above, how can THIS many things be pointing you to this almost unimaginable conclusion? I sense a Divine Intervention here, as well. And I seriously cannot even BEGIN to imagine what that Boston finish line will feel like in 2013, after this unbelievable journey. It's like you told me when I signed up for my marathon: I was embarking on a physical, emotional, and spiritual transformation. You, my dear friend, are transformed. I am praying for you and cheering you on with all my might...not for this race in particular, but for the incredible woman you are in general. xoxo

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  20. Dear Nicole, I am so sorry for you and kind of angry with what is happening to you. it's totally not fair!!! On the other hand, you have been great inspiration to us and you can be even more inspiring by doing the choice you feel is necessary. Knowing that you need to step back for the bigger picture - your overall health - is really tough. But it also shows how damn STRONG you are! !!

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  21. On a little selfish note - I hope to qualify for Boston 2013, so for me it would be a great opportunity to see you in action and meet up :-)

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  22. Ugh. This stinks. But, you seem to be dealing with it very well. Or at least dealing with it. ;) Even if you didn't have the leg injury, you probably wouldn't be able to run to your best ability here because of the weather. Not having trained in cool, rainy Oregon.

    Deferred entry is an option this year if you wanted to come back next year without qualifying again. You've worked hard and you could run your goal time in normal weather without an injured leg. I know you could run your 3:15 or better. One day you will. We all know this.

    I can't and won't make any suggestions as to what to do. That is for you to decide. You know how your leg feels.

    And, at the very least, you will have enjoyed a nice east coast vacation. Take care of yourself. And don't feel like you have let anyone down. You haven't.

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  23. I think you truly found your strong in making the decision to defer, Nicole. The easy thing would have been to ignore the injury, and potentially be out of running for a year or more (if it is an SF). ANd I tell you, next year you will come back stronger, hungrier and healthy so that you can rip the course apart.

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  24. Oh Nicole, my heart is breaking for you. It has been so inspiring to follow your comeback journey and see how amazing you are. At that sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. I think if this were a muscle injury you could pull through, but a stress fracture is another story and the opportunity for deferment is a huge gift given your situation.

    Enjoy your time on the East coast with your husband and you will be back and just as amazing.

    HUGS

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  25. Big huge hugs. Focus on all you've already completed!! All those miles and amazing times! Those were not for nothing! Be proud of the strength, determination, and sacrifice it took to get here. You earned these injuries :) people who sit on the sidelines don't get them. This is a huge detour but God is in the unexpected. I cant IMAGINE the incredible things He has planned instead. How big they must be :)

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  26. You've done amazing tings so far and I can't wait to see what you are capable of. You inspire me to work hard and dream big. Looking forward to what you'll do to Boston next year! Love you my friend!

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  27. I'm so sad for you Nicole, but I really think the deferment option is a real blessing. If you are like me, and I think you are, you don't just want to run Boston, you want to race it and you would not be able to do that in this heat. Even without an injury it would probably be a frustrating experience to run a time slower than what you are capable of. I know how hard it will be to take the time off too, but I know you will come back stronger than ever. You have so much talent and are so inspiring. Good for you for being wise with your body too! Enjoy your vacation! Hugs! Hopefully we'll both be running Boston next year!

    Sommer

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  28. Oh Nicole! I am so sorry. But, like others are saying, I think the deferment is a real blessing. I think you are like me in that you want to race Boston and get a good time, and you wouldn't be able to do that in this heat wave. Even without at injury I think you would find it really frustrating to run a slower time that what you are capable of running. Being wise and listening to your body shows how smart you are and that you are keeping perspective in all of this. I know you will come back stronger and faster. Everyone loves a good comeback story, I can't wait to see your inspirational one! Hopefully we can run Boston together next year. Enjoy your vacation. Hugs!
    -Sommer

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  29. I'm very sorry. I can empathize with your situation. I would take the defer to next year rather than risking serious injury. Can you imagine how horrible you'd feel if you pushed it, couldn't finish and seriously impacted your future running ability? You would not only miss out on a 3:15 at Boston but all the races in the future.

    Try to have fun cheering your friends on, and start planning your race for next year. Maybe then you can train for more weeks but less mileage a week so you don't get hurt again.

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