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Sunday, April 22, 2012

I avoid talking to people when I feel like this...

well...here we are at the end of the week. It will be one week tomorrow since my Non-Boston race:)
I am dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings. I don't feel angry...i don't feel overly depressed....I just feel a bit frustrated and discouraged. My step-dad had to block his number to get me to answer his call today:(
I'm horrible. I find I am not answering the phone...i am not calling my friends even when I feel desperate to talk to someone.
I pick up the phone to call, and then I hear myself saying "why would you call her? she doesn't need to listen to your whining. you have nothing positive to say about this situation today and you suck at pretending you're okay when you're not, so don't bother".
then I put down the phone. not sure HOW many times I have done that the last few days.

I read over the MRI report again and noticed it said "Possible tear of the hamstring tendon at the issial tuberosity". awesome. All the research I have done on this so far screams "Sucks to be you Nicole!". it's an injury that requires A LOT of rehabilitation. doesn't look like I'll be running anytime soon. This is what kills me.
the thought of taking another 2 or MORE months off and having to start over AGAIN in the fall is enough to make me want to go drive my car into a brick wall right now.

I have A LOT of other emotionally draining "issues" outside of running right now and so i need running more than ever and it's not there. I am going to try the eliptical tomorrow, but I will just feel angry and frustrated the whole I'm on there (maybe not, but wouldn't surprise me) because I HATE the eliptical. However, at this point, i am willing to do ANYTHING to get my heart rate up and SWEAT again.

My Step dad called from canada today and told me he would buy me a bike:) this was so sweet. I hate the bike but I actually got excited. there is  a 3mi out and back (6 total) bike path right beside my apartment so i think I could start doing that in the morning a few times:)

**here's where I need your help ! for anyone that bikes or does Tri's..what kind of bike do I get? it can't be super expensive b/c that would be rude. but I don't even know where to begin? the last time I rode a bike, I think I was 12:)
Maybe this will get me to goal of a triathalon and iron man sooner than I thought:) you never know. I didn't expect to start training for those for another 10yrs but maybe this will bump it up to 8:)

I took my girls to the 2 mile running/walking loop at the nearby golf course today..they were running like crazy, so I tried to follow and jog REALLY slow...only for 100m or so at a time..the weakness type pain in the front of my thigh was gone, but I could immediately feel the pain and tightness in my hammy/butt and IT band.
It was discouraging...it seemed to yell even louder in my face: "You are NOT returning to running anytime soon girl"  it broke my heart. AGAIN.

I am sorry I have not been commenting much or reading blogs. i'ts just hard to do right now.i am trying to find that "spot" where I will be able to cope the next few months. It will probably take some dr's visits, some encouraging news before I get there.
I AM getting  a second read and opinion on the MRI images so maybe we can actually get a 100% concrete answer.

anyway....that's all for me now. Going to keep cleaning my apartment and hope that it brings some endorphins my way lol.

N.

8 comments:

  1. Hugs. I'll keep you in my prayers and I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. Ughhhh.... I KNOW where you are at. It's a dark place. I was there. I HATED driving my car and seeing other people out running. Is that awful? It's like if I couldn't run I didn't want anyone else to be either. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks that way. I know it wasn't nice. I know you've already gone through the stress fracture bit and this was supposed to be YOUR marathon. You did run some pretty great PR races between last spring and now but I know it wasn't the race (Boston) that you wanted it to be. I hope that you can find some peace about all of this. It's so hard trying to understand the bigger picture when you are in the middle of something.

    I wish I could give you bike advice but I know nothing about them. When I had my SF I turned to swimming but mostly the elliptical. I've never been a fan of either but when running isn't an option I get desperate! You will not lose everything!! If you cross train like a champ you will come back quicker! Every time I went on the elliptical I told myself I was doing it to be a better runner. I often envisioned myself running my perfect marathon. You have so many great PR's and good times ahead of you. You just have to get over this bump in the road.

    Sorry to ramble.... I hope this next week goes much better for you! Hugs!!!

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  3. Love what Tia has to say. And we talked on the phone for a bit tonight. So much ahead of you Nicole. So much that will come in due time. Bottom line: This sucks! And you have every right to be frustrated.

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  4. It sucks and you have every right to be upset, emotional and not wanting to talk to anybody! You have way more running experience than I do. But when I was training for my first marathon last November (NYC), I couldn't run for a month due to ligaments and some other problems. I did lot of bike, swimming, stationary bike and rowing machine, basically anything to get my heart rate in the desired level for desired time. It was really tough, I think I preferred swimming, but I definitely didn't loose all my fitness. You will come back stronger than ever!!!

    Crossing my fingers for you. Hugs!

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  5. Nicole, I wish that I lived closer! I know how you feel and it isn't fun. I remember when I had ACL reconstructive surgery and wanted to run so so bad and couldn't. I cried everyday. I wouldn't get out of bed. I just cried. It was one of the worst places and painful places I have ever been. You will get better and you will be stronger because of it.

    Embrace some cross training in the meantime. Have you taken a spin class before? I love spin, actually I am pretty obsessed with it! It is an awesome workout and excellent cross training for runners. Maybe even take some yoga or pilates classes too. I can't wait to hear about your bike- what a great gift!

    xxxx

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  6. I think you need to try to embrace the elliptical and take advantage of it to get some endorphins. You will feel so much better and actually log miles which will help you during your comeback. When I was out with my quad tendinopathy the elliptical kept me sane and fit. Also, finding another focus now, like strength and core training (and getting into some PT, too) would help a lot. You will return to running hopefully soon, and you will be stronger than before. Remember the level you were at before the SF and how much stronger you go thereafter. You will be even stronger this time around.

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  7. What did the doctor say? Sometimes those MRI and using terms such as "maybe" are used to protect themselves because maybe there was a movement or a muscle twitch and it caused a blur on the mri and so they have to say "hhmmm....maybe that' is something" when maybe it's just NOT!

    Do you have instruction from a dr to NOT do certain things? I Know you want to rest and recover and maybe you are just in the starting phase of recovery but can I ask why you are boxing yourself in? You are looking So far ahead of yourself Nicole, STOP doing that! K- it's not good for you! it's not good for any of us. Yes our minds will wander there but it went there but I'm glad to read you are pulling yourself back in with some planned crosstraining.

    Ok so the reason why I asked is because I couldnt run after my knee tendonitis. but I still found I could go a short distance and and do some stairs for cardio and then I would do some weight lifting- it worked my core and my arms/back and then I would lightly run the gym halls and do some more stairs. Did my knee not like it- yep- not 100% but it was something.

    Elliptical can be a good choice although for me I wanted to freaking scream on that thing. I would go REALLY fast to just get my cardio up and even then my knee would get mad. If it was going to get mad on a dam elliptical I was going to run a little bit to keep my going. My time runnig was pathetic- but I still tried running a few times a week -

    Just not sure what your leg will like and won't like. that may take some experimenting.

    Besides I'm praying for you and guess What, You Already Know- God is Good and wouldnt it be GREAT if in a couple of weeks you were running again with No Pain! Yeah- Nicole You just never do know! Our body is an amazing being and it can heal really quickly sometimes! So to give you added hope- be optimistic - set out a goal in 2-4 weeks to run a little bit and see where you are at! What will it hurt to try? As long as you know when you get there- if you are not 100% that's ok too- cause you'll try again in a couple of weeks!

    So my story - I kept up some Cardio and found for me and my knee I was told I had and MRI and was told that mechanically I was injuring my right knee. I found the faster (well fast for me ;-) that if I could run a sub 8min pace the better my knee felt. Would you know with my knee just 7 weeks after my injury I ran a 5k PR! Yep! Now you couldnt ask me to run 4 miles cause I hurt too much do that, lol- but obviously since I kept making those steps in recovery to go longer and longer! I never put a time frame on it! I don't want you to either-

    K- Praying for you- Quick Recovery!

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  8. Chin Up Butter Cup :-) If you are being tested, you are being perfected. Keep searching for the answer but trust and have faith that Gods timing is perfect. When I had my blimp (injury) the ellitpical actually screwed my hip flexor up from the 1-2 hr stints on it. Can you find an AlterG treadmill in your area? That is what help me come back to running fairly quickly after my calf injury. Also, I spent my time in PT, rehab, core, and strength work. I actually really enjoyed this time.

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