About me

Sunday, August 5, 2012

sitting in my bed once again ATTEMPTING to process my thoughts....

Every time I sit down to write a blog post it's the same commentary that goes through my head...." i'm not a good writer, I don't know how to put my thoughts in writing...what do I have to write about? "....BUT I am so inspired by many of my talented blogging friends that it makes me sit down and TRY to write.
certainly NOT a gift of mine, but I'm trying and hoping I can get better b/c I can see the value in me sitting down and trying to process my thoughts and recent experiences....even if no one read them I think it is GOOD for my crazy chaotic mind to take a rest and go over some stuff. I'm SO not good at this!

Well....on the running front.... I am READY to be back in shape...but I was quite disappointed with myself recently when I looked at the calendar and realized two things:
1. it's only 3wks til Hood to Coast Relay
2. I still hadn't run over 25 miles in a week (this week I hit 28.5 whoop tee doo!:/)

What the HELL have I been doing the last 3mos'? no seriously....I wanted to smack myself in the face when i realized this...I feel like i've been such a slacker...
there are 2 reasons I can think of for my slower than necessary progress back into running after my stress fracure:
1. it's Summer...and those who know me that I barely have time to eat breath or sleep during the summer b/c of my business so running is hard to keep a priority during these summer months.
2. I have lost ALL and I mean ALL motivation to run alone.

I joined team Athena last month and so far it is going good. Tiffany and I are still in the early stage where we are not quite sure we feel part of the "team" yet. There are a few women of course who try hard to make themselves available and there  are many who don't even acknowledge we are there.
I am confident though that it will resolve in time and hopefully find many good friends there.
I have done 3 track workouts with Team Athena and all have been good.....it's always humbling to realize how much fitness i've lost though but I guess that's normal.

So with 3 wks til hood to coast my goal is to hit 32 miles this week, 35 miles next week and then keep it easy and relaxed the week of the relay. after that though I really need to stop the laziness and get back in the game. I am just Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo behind and it is aggravating me.


In my personal life I am learning alot about myself. I'm not sure if I mentioned here but I started seeing a counsellor...oh yes of course I did...remembering now that I posted about the diagnosis for ADD. yes...hmmm.welll how is that going you ask? okay, I guess. I'm not so grumpy about it anymore..just more and more AWARE of all the annoying things I do..trying to be a better listener, stay off my phone when I'm out with steve or with friends etc. I am definitely a WORK.IN.PROGRESS.

I've learned some other things about myself lately too....like how I have a hard time opening up to friends.
on the surface no one who knows me would think this is a true statement. I am very "open" and will blabb away about pretty much anything....but those deep..really vulnerable parts, I hold back. I suppose everyone does....but I don't know. I have friends who are shy, reserved etc and it's normal for them b/c they don't really open up about anything...but for me it's a weird realization b/c I am the opposite...I'm sort of like an open book. I don't hold back, or so I thought, and I will talk about pretty much anything but recently I discovered about myself that I really do have a challenge trusting people and I think this has deprived me of deeper more intimate friendships. I am not really sure how to rectify this but It is on my mind often these days.
I have been going through some really deep challenging struggles with my husband and our faith the last 18mos and I feel like I'm craving those relationships to help me through this time but I have such a hard time opening up and being vulnerable enough to allow those relationships to happen.
I thought about opening up here and talking about whats going on...hoping to find advice and answers but i'm not quite ready for that yet.  we'll see how I feel down the road...


Tomorrow I get to run with Soggy Runner Girl and I'm so excited. when i was training for Boston we ran at least 2 x a week together but it's been almost 4.5 mos since we could run together b/c of my injury so i'm greatly looking forward to it:)....speaking of Boston....it's strange to me to think that I am not going back....unless something miraculous happens I am just too afraid to train for another marathon and end up with another stress fracture. I don't really know what is in store for me yet with my running but I know I need to hold to my new motto "less is more" and stick to about 40 miles a week and add in cross training to ensure I stay injury free for at least a year or two......no idea what level I will be able to race at but we'll see.


anyway..this dang laptop is about to overheat on my LEGS so I better hit the sack!

I promise I'll catch up on blogs once my crazy summer is over:)


5 comments:

  1. So good to read your thoughts tonight Nicole. I can plainly see that you really DO want to be more open and vulnerable in relationships. If it's your goal, you MY friend, WILL achieve it.

    I have been looking at your mileage and your goal for h2c build up. This is totally realistic! Hope that the team you are on will realize what a jewel they have in you. Just want to encourage you tonight. I like what I see in you lately.
    Hope work is not too busy, so you can get in some good running!

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  2. Maybe it seems like you're slacking, but coming back from two stress fractures it sounds like it may be a good thing that you're slow moving. All those miles are a hoot while you're wrapped up in them, but after awhile they make recovery impossible and honestly don't make many people faster. Intensity is where it's at girl! No more 70 mile weeks, hell no more 60+ mile weeks. Your body can do amazing things when you start to manipulate all those other variables.

    I like how I age but somehow never seem to stop learning stuff about myself. Makes me always want to sing the Davod Bowie song "time may change me, but I can't trace time". It's all just one never ending learning process where sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches.

    Hope you are enjoying the last few great summer moments with your girls before their beautiful faces go back to school. Sending hugs!!!

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  3. Nicole, it's great to learn so much about yourself. We all have shortfalls and sure we all think we need to change them but I beg you to think "is it really a downfall or simply who you are?" Why is being YOU so bad? So you don't trust and open to EVERYBODY- as so long as you do have a few you can fully trust and open to then that is all that matters. You work, you have kids, home- husband etc and you are still in recovering comeback phase and everyone finds their own return pace of how fast it all happnes- you keep going in the right direction, desire to change and make the plans to make it happne, no worries the GREAT part about fitness and Running it's always there waiting for you!

    I see from the past you are a spiritual and religious person, can you seek help from your church?

    Connie~ CCRG

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  4. We are ALL works in progress.

    Taking it slow on the comeback is definitely not a bad thing. It's been warm and muggy here lately too.

    I think eventually you will make friends on the team. At least I hope you do! What you are experiencing is what stops me from joining.

    I know you are going to do great things in the 5K. You have such speed, it will be fun to see you use it and train specifically to a strong point. Have fun!

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  5. I have to agree we are all works in progress. One day at a time.

    When is your Hood to Coast start time? My team starts at 7am on Friday morning! I hope I get to see you somewhere along the way. I think you are such an amazing runner and it would really be so awesome to get to meet you :)

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