11am:
There is a part of me that is still a bit stunned or surprised over this diagnosis. I am sitting at my doctors office right now in a quiet room with my laptop, answering work emails feeling a bit down and discouraged. I know I should feel ENcouraged and I do have moments of that.....many moments of that, but right now I feel emotional. I feel like crying and not for any particular reason. you know when the tears are just hiding right behind your eyes and if someone says just the right thing you will burst into tears? that's how I feel right now.
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I am on day 5 of antibiotics. I am taking 4 different prescriptions 3 times a day. I will do this for 6wks. I will also come here 2 times a week (more if we need it as things go on) for 3hrs each time and do an IV of: Glutathione ( to help flush out the toxins from the hopefully dead bacteria), silver to help kill the bacteria and viruses, more antibiotics, and some other vitamin and minerals to help my body tolerate all the medicine and stay ahead of the side effects.
I have spoken to many people with Lymes lately. The exprience seems to come in one of 2 ways. Either:
1. I HAD lymes X amount of years ago, I was treated and i have never had symptoms since
(this is the category I really hope to fall into)
OR
2. I have lymes....ive been struggling for years to get rid of it with no success.
(these are the people that as bad as I feel for them, I am not ready to talk to yet.It stresses me out and makes me feel all kinds of anxiety and stress).
It is exciting to have a diagnosis but remember I have been here multiple times this year already.
Each time we thought my leg pain was associated with something I got excited that my pain was going to be healed each time to only be let down, so i'm having a hard time letting myself beleive that my pain is associated to the Lymes disease. I know of all my diagnosis it DOES make the most sense.
Most people with Lymes, especially late stage lyme, have chronic pain of some sort, but until it is healed and gone I think I will have a hard time really feeling hopeful or excited.
I do find myself in quiet moments talking to myself in my mind trying to convince myself that the leg pain is surely from the Lymes and once I get better it will go away. I imagine myself running the Boston marathon and the immense joy I will feel having overcome all of this to finally reach a goal that was taken from me a few years ago when I earned my spot there and had to stand on the sidelines due to yet another stress fracture.
I try and try to imagine all the good things that will be in my life next year, but it fights with fear. It is a daily internal struggle to let the good thoughts push out the bad. To be the positive optimisitc person I want to be opposed to the scared, worried person I often feel trying to take over inside.
Some days are better than others, some are worse.
So far, for side effects I have just had some headaches and nautiousness but Dr. K said to watch for that b/c it may get increasingly worse. The sickness we want to see is increased symptoms like headaches, pain, fatigue.....this can be a sign that the bugs are dying and the toxins from them in my blood stream are making my synmptoms temporarily worse so there is a part of me that would feel better if I were sick b/c I would KNOW it was working......
that probably sounds strange...but any type of reassurance.
6:30pm
I think it is safe to say that I am getting die-offf from the bugs which means the antibiotics are working. after my IV treatment I came home and within 2hrs was very very dizzy, nautious, had a huge headache and was feeling extremely emotional, depressed etc.
I looked it up and yes it's a real thing:/
https://chronicillnessrecovery.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=161
My pain in my foot go really strong today too whicih was so weird b/c it hasn't been that bad since January.....another sign that the pain in my foot is from the lyme..which strangely makes me HAPPY for it to hurt under these circumstances.
I now know that I will have to be prepared on IV treatment days to have dinnner etc ready for my family b/c I have been very useless the last few hours. luckily my 9 yr old is amazing and has brought me food and ice for my very sore arm etc. Love her so much.
1 treatment down, 11 to go and HOPEFULLY continued improvement in my symptoms:):)