Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I started seeing a counsellor about a month ago. It was a personal decision b/c of various things going in on my life. I felt I needed to talk some things out with an unbiased person.
It has been really good, and the last few sessions have leaned more to my routine, my work, my kids and family..my CRAZY, INSANE LIFE.
I won't get into too many crazy details but a few issues came up from my counsellor about my crazy hectic lifestyle and how I really dont know HOW to relax, sit still, mellow out, or just be in quiet play with my children.
These things bother me greatly but it's just how I've always been.
my family always joked that I was ADD, but we never really did anything about it.
I have always felt a bit different from others, I've always felt a bit awkard and like i don't fit in. It's been a big insecurity of mine since I was a child. I just didn't know why.
tonight we went over all the clinical questions and signs of someone with ADHD (focussing on the hyper-active part) and as each one she read, my heart sank. It is ME. me me me...all over it. ALL of it.
I'm not sure why I feel so bad about this. Part of me feels a bit better knowing that maybe this means I don't HAVE to struggle with these things all the time...focussing, listening, not being able to chill out with friends at the park when all the girls sit to just "chat"........ but the other part of me feels depressed.
All those years feeling like I was "different" ..weren't just a feeling. I really was. All those times I felt like the other girls were thinking I was little "too much"..they probably were.
My counsellor put it nicely: "the general population doesn't struggle with the things you struggle with"
she also explained that it is just a mis-firing of certain things in the brain. I get it and I know it can get better.....and in my heart I always thought I might have something like this but just never did anything about it.
However, over the last few years I have felt that a lot of my "tendencies" and "quirks" were affecting my relationships and now that it is all becoming clear....a little TOO clear, I feel a disappointment in myself....
which is strange, b/c my mind is saying "its not your fault, it's not anything you've done"...but still I feel let down.
What kills me is that my 4yr old (which I've been talking about to my hsuband for the last year) is showing alot more and worse characteristics than me:( My niece was just diagnosed with it also and I see how much she is struggling in school and I worry for Erika and what she will face....especially when her older sister is a genius and as calm as a dove. (takes after her daddy for sure).
Anyway.....My counsellor is amazing. she didn't want to "diagnose" me with anything but I could see on her face that she 'knows'. and I know.
Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do about it.
33yrs old. Looking yourself in the eyes, my naked soul....knowing ALL my imperfections...its tough..and it's even tougher for some reason knowing that a part of my brain isn't quite working right. it bugs me.
Just really needed to get that off my heavy heart. thanks for listening.