About me

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

ADHD...:(:(




I started seeing a counsellor about a month ago. It was a personal decision b/c of various things going in on my life. I felt I needed to talk some things out with an unbiased person.
It has been really good, and the last few sessions have leaned more to my routine, my work, my kids and family..my CRAZY, INSANE LIFE.

I won't get into too many crazy details but a few issues came up from my counsellor about my crazy hectic lifestyle and how I really dont know HOW to relax, sit still, mellow out, or just be in quiet play with my children.
These things bother me greatly but it's just how I've always been.
my family always joked that I was ADD, but we never really did anything about it.

I have always felt a bit different from others, I've always felt a bit awkard and like i don't fit in. It's been a big insecurity of mine since I was a child. I just didn't know why.

tonight we went over all the clinical questions and signs of someone with ADHD (focussing on the hyper-active part) and as each one she read, my heart sank. It is ME. me me me...all over it. ALL of it.

I'm not sure why I feel so bad about this. Part of me feels a bit better knowing that maybe this means I don't HAVE to struggle with these things all the time...focussing, listening, not being able to chill out with friends at the park when all the girls sit to just "chat"........ but the other part of me feels depressed.

All those years feeling like I was "different" ..weren't just a feeling. I really was. All those times I felt like the other girls were thinking I was little "too much"..they probably were.

My counsellor put it nicely: "the general population doesn't struggle with the things you struggle with"
she also explained that it is just a mis-firing of certain things in the brain. I get it and I know it can get better.....and in my heart I always thought I might have something like this but just never did anything about it.

However, over the last few years I have felt that a lot of my "tendencies" and "quirks" were affecting my relationships and now that it is all becoming clear....a little TOO clear, I feel a disappointment in myself....
which is strange, b/c my mind is saying "its not your fault, it's not anything you've done"...but still I feel let down.
What kills me is that my 4yr old (which I've been talking about to my hsuband for the last year) is showing alot more and worse characteristics than me:( My niece was just diagnosed with it also and I see how much she is struggling in school and I worry for Erika and what she will face....especially when her older sister is a genius and as calm as a dove. (takes after her daddy for sure).

Anyway.....My counsellor is amazing. she didn't want to "diagnose" me with anything but I could see on her face that she 'knows'. and I know.
Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do about it.

33yrs old. Looking yourself in the eyes, my naked soul....knowing ALL my imperfections...its tough..and it's even tougher for some reason knowing that a part of my brain isn't quite working right. it bugs me.


Just really needed to get that off my heavy heart. thanks for listening.

10 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this "diagnosis" with us. I often joke that I have adult ADHD because I have a hard time focusing and jump from task to task without seeming to get much done. It may be just my crazy busy life, but it's interesting to hear your story and perspective. Thanks.

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  2. I know it's hard but try to accept this as part of who you are and not a flaw that you have recently disscovered. I am pretty sure there are LITTERALY HUNDREDS of people in Portland alone that know and love you, ADHD and all. So your brain is a little different, BIG DEAL! You are still amazing! And equipped with this new information about the way your brain is currently working you can grow to be even more incredible in areas that your brain wouldn't let you focuse on more. Not only will you face this life long challeng head on but you are sharing your experience and help others deal with their adult ADHD as well.

    Nicole, I love ya. I know that this is a huge deal and that nothing but time will help you accept and learn to properly cop with your adult ADHD. I also know you and I am 1 billion % sure that you can do this. Read up find others like you dealing with this and GO GET EM!!!!!


    Love ya girl

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  3. I joke sometimes about having ADD because it is so hard for me to focus. I have 3 kids, so I am all over the place sometimes. I don't even know all of the symptoms. It's good that you know what is wrong and now you can work on it.

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  4. Nicole thank you for sharing. I think you are amazing and brave and I admire you for that. Keep your chin up and hang in there. xxxx

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I struggle with this even though I don't have an official diagnosis. People judge so quickly not understanding what we go through and deal with as it relates to everyday life. Stay strong and keep being transparent with us as it is inspiration to me. Again, I appreciate you posting this!

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