About me

2013 is on it's way.....how to heal a broken running spirit? and is there such a thing?

Hello friends!!
as much as I dread writing I thought I should get on here before everyone writes me off as dead, or just having walked off the face of the earth. I wish I had some software that I could just talk into and it would put it into text for me, b/c those who know me, know I can talk like nobody's business...especially about RUNNING! but writing?? errr...not so much. I'm lazy. really lazy with writing.

SO, what can I tell you? well, I had some surgery, not running related, don't worry but it required me to take 3wks off. So I did. I didn't think it would effect me TOO badly, but apparently the week before when I only ran twice didn't help my situation..prob more like 4wks off...and since I wasn't in very good shape before that I am REALLY feeling it. This feels worse than after taking 2mos off with each of my stress fractures.
Let me give you some examples so you empathize with me as I whine;)
I ran 4 times this week:
Monday-5miles. ugh. legs tired. just blah. FELT SORE the next day. yikes.
Wednesday-5miles on bark mulch/golf course....avg pace 9:40! no offence to anyone who runs that pace but for me, it is ridiculous. For you regular 9:40 pacers...it would be like running 11-12min miles...you wouldn't be too impressed about it right? and this 9:40 avg did NOT feel easy. just for the record. talk about a wake up call.
Thurs: 5 miles...a bit better..ran a good last mile
Sunday: 8 miles. felt like DEATH. Lungs didn't like me. legs didn't like me. I think someone put 20lb weights in each one of my running shoes:)

So there ya have it! first week back.
23 miles.

Oh..and ofcourse my calf issue I was having before flared up on day 1 of running again:)
I went to thai massage the other day and plan to keep on that and rolling myself at home, hoping ot keep it at bay.
Anyway...I'm really not upset about this...don't think i'm "down",...its more amusing than anything. I have a new found respect for the shape I was in last spring. I really should have appreciated THAT more, instead of always wanting to be faster and better. I was in GREAT shape.....20 milers at 8:00 pace and it felt EASY. aaahh..can't wait to get back there...BUT until then, trying to enjoy the journey.

So I have a  little something silly to share....i've sort of talked about it before, but I wonder if any of you have experienced this. Don't roll your eyes.....

I think my "running spirit" is broken.....or at least Injured. 

Now, I know we all have times when we're down...unmotivated.....have a couple rough weeks...but this is MORE than that. I am not being dramatic or exaggerating...this is really an issue.
Let me explain how I think this happened:

As I have mentioned before, (like 20 times), after having 2 stress fractures in 11 mos, I felt a bit broken.
Having put my heart and soul into Boston training, I was ready to show my stuff. though I should have been focussed on the journey, for me it was the DESTINATION....and I never got to go there....i never got to race, compete, show MYSELF and my family what all my hard work had accomplished.  I never had closure on that training cycle.
when I started running again in June (2012) I decided to keep it EASY. I was SO afraid of risking injury again , I was OVERLY cautious. I took so long to even get up to 20 miles and then all summer stuck around 20-25 miles. by fall I finally tried to hit 30..it's only happened a few times....and as fall approached, I had one good 5k, followed by a whole lot of nothing. IN all this time, I had no mo-jo. the normal Nicole, will do anything, to a fault, to get her run in. I would get up despite fatique, sickness to run at teh butt crack of dawn if it was the only time I could do it.
Always charged...motivated to race, motivated to train....it all just sort of whithered away....gone.
I thought it would come back as I just continued to take it easy and rest but i realized as winter approached that It wasn't coming back and my fitness was disappearing before my eyes. discouraged....more out of shape than I was even back in the beginning of summer, I felt like poop.
Then, when I ran the 5K on thanksgiving and ran a 20:30 and realized that was the same time I ran 6wks back into running after 2mos off in July, I felt even MORE discouraged. I have made NO progress...and why should I have? I haven't done ANYTHING!

ugh, frustrated with myself, I threw around the idea of maybe just quitting running all together. for 2yrs i've dedicated to hitting some very important running goals and have ended up injured every time I get close to success. Why should I go on? why bother? I don't really run for fun...I run to feed that part of my spirit that needs to push, to accomplish, to progress........SO...I guess the 3wks off came at a good time...
but now hear I am.
I have decided to NOT quit running, for now;), and I am supposed to start training for the eugene half with Niki Raffie at the end of this month. let me note that YES I love to run and YES I want to run. I am not forcing myself to do something I don't want to...but i'd REALLY like to find that motivation and FIRE I always had before.

My question is...how do I fix this? and no the answer is not to stop running...that just won't work for me. I've taken enough breaks, I've taken 8mos of "easy"....I need to figure out how to find that Beastly self motivated ME that has always been there...i'm not sure where she's gone......

Ideas? thoughts?