Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I have been avoiding writing on here regularly b/c it's hard to explain where i'm at without explaining a lot of really personal stuff that is not fit for the cyber world.
Let it suffice to say that my mental and emotional state has been less than well. Work is going well....things are successful there...but in my personal life there have been some major major struggles...and mostly brought on by myself.
I have hit a road block in my running lately. I am not progressing. In fact I'd say it's safe to say that I am Degressing. I couldn't even run a 21: 20 5K on the track last week. I can't hit my paces in my workouts and I am definitely not over trained. As I looked at my food, my training etc...I saw that nothing was out of place. I'm not injured ( a little bit of MINOR tendinitis in my foot, but nothing stopping me). I finally asked my coach "could STRESS be causing my body not to perform well?" and her answer was a clear YES.
Sadly...I think this is why I am just getting no where fast these days. And unlike diet or shoes or cutting back mileage, there isn't much I can do to change it but keep working on what i'm working on and wait for the fog to clear.
I have struggled so much lately with self-esteem, self-worth and depression. Everyday I am faced with the reality I can't run from anymore and It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. I don't feel worthy of good friends, I don't feel worthy of love, I don't feel worthy of success. The last time I felt like this was when I was a very depressed teenager. I feel like every critical thing that anyone has ever said about me is true. It's hard for me to even put this in writing and took me weeks to tell my husband that I was feeling this way. Lately I even find myself picking apart my body and feeling fat and gross more often than not. I hate that feeling. It's got to go b/c I know I'm not fat. I guess it is all just going along with everything else I feel about myself lately. I am trying to work through these feelings and find positive things to say to myself but I'm really struggling. I am trying to find the faith to reach out to God but am even struggling there.
Almost 3 mos ago I committed myself to training again. I set the goal to break 1:30 in Eugene. Then after running the Hop Hop half 4wks ago in 1:35:25, I realized that was not a realistic goal....and that even my B goal of setting a new PR on my 1:32:18 was not realistic either. SO...here I am heading to Eugene this weekend....paying for a hotel i can't really afford to run in a race that will be anything but amazing. But I'm going anyway b/c i'm stubborn and I don't just give up or walk away b/c I can't reach my goal. I'm healthy and I can still run, so I'm going to run.
I am hopeful that I will at least break 1:34 but I will just run whatever is my body's best THAT day.
Those are pretty much my feelings on Eugene. I feel a bit numb overall....not excited, not worried, not nervous...just numb. A tad disappointed maybe that i'm finally not injured for a race and yet i'm not in very good shape either...even after training for 3mos. My heart is a bit heavy. It's aching for something good to happen with my running and yet Patience screams at me to just give into her and my heart screams to push myself anyway and maybe see a miracle on Sunday.
I am grateful and excited to see some of my very good friends run though...in particular, Stephanie from www.soggyrunnergirl.blogspot.com who is running the full marathon. She is in TIP TOP shape to run an INCREDIBLE time and I can't wait to scream for her at the finish line.
I think that maybe, for the first time in years, I might run with an Ipod....put some upbeat music on to keep the negative voices out and just RUN. Run my hardest....run out all the stress and anxiety and sadness and despair....and you never know...maybe it will be a better day than I think.....and maybe not...and that's okay too...right now it's just about not giving up and continually putting one foot in front of the other...not just with running...but with my LIFE.
good luck to everyone racing this weekend. See you out there! xx