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Friday, April 27, 2012

Okay...lets start over: here's the REAL MRI results


To say this week has been a ROLLER COASTER of emotions is a HUGE understatment.
One minute I'm optimistic about my future, the next I am ready to just disappear.

Here are the results:

1. Primary stress lines in both femoral heads: 
* Concern is that I COULD be pre-osteoporatic (but lets hope not!)
-this makes me so mad b/c I take MORE supplements than anyone I know and the BEST ones in the highest, purest concentrations. it just doesn't make sense.
-I am supposed to go get a Bone density test:( Now I get to stress about degenerative disease. great.

2. Stress reaction/mild stress fracture in my femur. 
*MINIMUM of 8wks off to start...then see where we're at.
-boo. another year of the Sauvie half marathon down the drain. this will be year 3 I have missed it.
The thought of taking off AT LEAST 6 more weeks and then re-evaluate makes me feel sick right now.

3. Mild Tendonitis in both hamstrings. 
-enough said. totally awesome right?;)


So far, these are the ideas that have been thrown around:

1. I am probably not going to be able to run more than 40-50 miles a week. Ever.:(
2. I am going to have to stick to 3-4days a week running:(
3. I will have to introduce a lot more cross training.


I will sit down with John next week when he is back in town to discuss all the things we need to change.....I"m not sure what else to expect at this point.

I feel blessed that i will still be able to run, but disappointed that I will probably never get to do high mileage-Really enjoyed it. I am not sure how this will effect my chances of ever getting those fast times in the marathon if I can't put the  mileage in. it's disappointing.

For now, my plan is to: 
1. NOT gain 20lbs
2. Learn to love the eliptical and pool jogging
3. NOT fall into a deep depression the next few months.
4. TRY to let this situation turn me into a better person. 

I feel like this injury is so premature:( I was still GRATEFUL to be running everyday after my last stress fracture. i hadn't yet gotten to the place where I take it for granted. This just feels like a huge blow to my heart.

Bottom line
IT IS WHAT IT IS. Sink or swim. I choose to swim (no pun intended;)).







Wednesday, April 25, 2012

well well well....New MRI DIAGNOSIS.....

So, I got the REAL diagnosis today:)


I have a STRESS REACTION  of the FEMORAL HEAD. 


This diagnosis makes A LOT more sense for the pain i've had.
I feel GOOD about this...I think this is the BEST possible out come I could have had.
1. it's NOT  a FRACTURE, thank goodness!! less healing time
2. it's bone.it will heal and I can move on.
3. it's NOT soft tissue...the damn tendon thing was stressing me out. i don't want to deal with LONG recovery time or PT etc.


I am so happy that I KNOW what's wrong. It's strange to feel so damn HAPPY about a stress reaction lol, but I do. I'm sure this will wear off.
I am waiting to hear from John exactly how many more weeks I have to take off...but I'm hoping it s no more than 4, since I've already been off for 16 days!


SOOOOOO....here 's is my rehab plan.
It's really important to me that I am able to maintain some fitness. last year I didn't do a lot during my fibula stress fracture and I felt like I was starting over after 2 mos off. This time I am going to pool jog like a champ!


I've heard lots of testimonials about how pool jogging can help you maintain a lot of fitness.....so here's my plan!


Pool jogging 5 days a week!!! YES, and you can hold me to it!


My only concern is that i've done  nothing for 16 days and Pete Pfitzinger says


Most of the benefits of training are reversible. Your cardiovascular fitness decreases measurably after 2-3 weeks without training. Studies have shown, however, that with reduced training you can maintain your fitness at almost the same level for several months. 


I think I have already lost most of my cardio fitness and I'm not sure if I can get it BACK? I know he says I can maintain but I should have been doing this 2wks ago in order for that to work. 


regardless...it's my ONLY hope at this point!
I want to race the Sauvie half marathon on July 4! I've missed it for 2 years and I'm not missing it again!




So here's the schedule!
http://pfitzinger.com/labreports/9wkH2O.htm




wish me LUCK!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I avoid talking to people when I feel like this...

well...here we are at the end of the week. It will be one week tomorrow since my Non-Boston race:)
I am dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings. I don't feel angry...i don't feel overly depressed....I just feel a bit frustrated and discouraged. My step-dad had to block his number to get me to answer his call today:(
I'm horrible. I find I am not answering the phone...i am not calling my friends even when I feel desperate to talk to someone.
I pick up the phone to call, and then I hear myself saying "why would you call her? she doesn't need to listen to your whining. you have nothing positive to say about this situation today and you suck at pretending you're okay when you're not, so don't bother".
then I put down the phone. not sure HOW many times I have done that the last few days.

I read over the MRI report again and noticed it said "Possible tear of the hamstring tendon at the issial tuberosity". awesome. All the research I have done on this so far screams "Sucks to be you Nicole!". it's an injury that requires A LOT of rehabilitation. doesn't look like I'll be running anytime soon. This is what kills me.
the thought of taking another 2 or MORE months off and having to start over AGAIN in the fall is enough to make me want to go drive my car into a brick wall right now.

I have A LOT of other emotionally draining "issues" outside of running right now and so i need running more than ever and it's not there. I am going to try the eliptical tomorrow, but I will just feel angry and frustrated the whole I'm on there (maybe not, but wouldn't surprise me) because I HATE the eliptical. However, at this point, i am willing to do ANYTHING to get my heart rate up and SWEAT again.

My Step dad called from canada today and told me he would buy me a bike:) this was so sweet. I hate the bike but I actually got excited. there is  a 3mi out and back (6 total) bike path right beside my apartment so i think I could start doing that in the morning a few times:)

**here's where I need your help ! for anyone that bikes or does Tri's..what kind of bike do I get? it can't be super expensive b/c that would be rude. but I don't even know where to begin? the last time I rode a bike, I think I was 12:)
Maybe this will get me to goal of a triathalon and iron man sooner than I thought:) you never know. I didn't expect to start training for those for another 10yrs but maybe this will bump it up to 8:)

I took my girls to the 2 mile running/walking loop at the nearby golf course today..they were running like crazy, so I tried to follow and jog REALLY slow...only for 100m or so at a time..the weakness type pain in the front of my thigh was gone, but I could immediately feel the pain and tightness in my hammy/butt and IT band.
It was discouraging...it seemed to yell even louder in my face: "You are NOT returning to running anytime soon girl"  it broke my heart. AGAIN.

I am sorry I have not been commenting much or reading blogs. i'ts just hard to do right now.i am trying to find that "spot" where I will be able to cope the next few months. It will probably take some dr's visits, some encouraging news before I get there.
I AM getting  a second read and opinion on the MRI images so maybe we can actually get a 100% concrete answer.

anyway....that's all for me now. Going to keep cleaning my apartment and hope that it brings some endorphins my way lol.

N.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I DON"T have a STRESS FRACTURE!!!...

WELL....GOOD NEWS is I don't have  STRESS FRACTURE OR MUSCLE TEAR!

 had my MRI yesterday and got results back.....

bad news is the report is really vague....John said it mentioned some minor tendonitis in my hamstring...a poss bone contusion or bruising to look into.

He is going to get a second opinion on it and we'll go from there....

the not knowing is worse than the knowing....but we'll see. at least my bones aren't broken!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Boston 2012: disappointment, injury and spectating....



Part 1: written on the plane home last night

Well...after 8 mos of planning and training...this Boston trip did not turn out to be what I thought it would.
 AT. ALL.
There are times in our lives when we sense disappointment approaching.....this one I did not see coming. 
Up until 2wks before, things were going perfectly.
For the past 15 weeks I have trained with relative ease. I have felt amazing almost the entire time and felt like i handled all the workouts and mileage wonderfully. I never once felt beat down or super worn out, in fact compared to training for my first marathon last year, I could not believe how EASY this training felt to me.

However, after that very hilly 22 miler a few weeks ago, I experienced pain and soreness in my left quad.  In hindsight , I WISH I had taken a few days OFF, but when we are IN training, it is hard to see what is probably the BEST thing to do long-term at that moment. I stacked that week with 2 long runs and 2 other workouts b/c I decided to do that 22 on the Sunday. John says he wishes he had told me NO and in the future, he will.

I am sad that it's been almost a year since my very disappointing marathon in windermere and I still can't say I've run another marathon. 

This has been an intensely challenging year to fight my way back to be in shape, to be healthy and to be able to have a GOOD marathon experience......but instead I am here, a year later, in the exact same position and it is abstolutely gut wrenching and heart breaking at times. I want nothing more than to run but it's been 11 days and my body is just beginning ot feel stagnant. Don't worry I plan to make up with my enemy "the eliptical" next week.

Although I was initially thinking it was a stress fracture of my femur, John is still not convinced....which actually makes me happy! he really thinks it is  agluteal tear and i'm praying it is. I am trying ot find a way to get a cheap MRI b/c I have no money left aftr this trip to spend on one. it would bring a lot of peace of mind to my heart and mind to know for sure what my injury is so we can plan my recovery time.

What have I learned from this? well I don't entirely know yet. It is all sort of a blurr. 

I showed up in Boston, hopeful of fulfilling a dream..which slowly lead into sadness, frustration and the unknown of whether I had travelled all that way and would even be able to run or not? should I load up on painkillers and try to run, risking more injury or take the deferment and wait til next year?....by saturday night,I had made the decision that the right choice was NOT to run. Not to risk more damage to my body. 

it was so hard to make that decision and to put on  a happy face for everyone around me.
Like I said, I just didn't see this trial coming. I was not prepared. 

ONce I made the decision saturday, it didn't get easier but I knew I had to surrender my will to the inevitable and go with my mantra " it is what it is".  I am not special. I am not immune to trials in this life and to crappy things happening to me. What makes me so much better than the next person suffering a trial MUCH WORSE than mine? nothing. So I take this challenge as gracefully as I can and try to use it to make me stronger. tougher, wiser and more patient. Hopefully making me a better person in the end..which is why I think God lets these things happen to us...to mold us...to shape us...and to refine us. 

Part 2: written tonight

Well....I have good news! I got an X-ray today and it didn't show anything except a  possible edema in my hip socket which if that's the case, John says take a few weeks off and it should heel. 
even BETTER news is that I have a wonderful connection with an old client and a current associate of my husbands...she owns 3 MRI clinics and he sends all of his patients to her. 
So I humbled myself and asked for the favor b/c I can' t afford an MRI right now and this will give us  a SURE answer of what is going on....she got back to me tonight and I should be able to call the office tomorrow and schedule it! I am SO thankful!!! she has no idea what a blessing this is...so hopefully by Monday i will know what is wrong with my leg/butt:):)

I am already thinking of marathons...there is Windemere next month...prob too soon.....Vancouver in June and Sauvie in July! i'm HOPING one of these will work out for me!!! 

Anyway...I have sort of lost my train of thought....

the day of the marathon I was excited to go and watch and cheer for my friends...if I couldn't be RUNNING the race, you better believe I was going to be there to cheer on my sweet friends and give LOTS of shouts of encouragment to those passing by! 

I made my spot about 50 meters from the top of Heart break Hill and after a while...once I got warmed up;), I began shouting such phrases as: 
"You're almost at the top! keep going!! this is your last big hill"
"you're doing GREAT, I know this weather sucks, but you're doing SO great!" (yes, I actually said this)....
after a while, I started commentating to Waylon that what I wanted to say was:
"I know this weather sucks ass, and you feel like Sh** but you're doing awesome!"  and...
"I know you want to punch me in the face right now for telling you to keep going, but you'll thanks me later...as long as you're not passed out on the side of the road!" lol...it was pretty funny. Okay...that last part isn't funny...but anyway...

I was sad that I missed Erin, Melody and Angie...I' not sure HOW they got passed me:( but I DID get these 3 beautiful ladies..I had to run along side them to take their picture...i'm sure the other runners thought I was SO annoying! 



  Beautiful Danya came along first....at a leasurely 7:20 pace:) she had planned to run a 2:50 but decided the night before to run it as a training run...and so she did....in 3:21;)

 Sweet, strong Dorothy, who kindly yelled at me: "Be thankful you're not running in this!" lol
indeed, I was, b/c I was sweating standing in the SHADE!
 aaahh.and one of my besties, Amanda:) my camera was on video by accident so I didn't get a pic til i stopped to fix it...Anna Maria, running on her left and her sweet husband, Waylon on  her right:)

Seeing these 3 ladies, finding their strong, REALLY made my day!!
I was inspired by how hard they worked. This race had NOTHING to do with numbers and EVERYTHING to do with STRENGTH, PERSEVERANCE, DEDICATION, SHEER WILL, and MENTAL TOUGHNESS. 

These women had it all:)

See you in 2013, Boston!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

What would YOU do?

Amanda encouraged me to write this hoping it might make things a little "easier" to weed through.
I don't think this decision CAN possibly be easy for me.
I have spent the last 8 mos dreaming of Boston. I have spent the last 15wks training day in and day out, in Rain, hail, snow....never giving up, never quitting, b/c my dream of running a sub 3:15 IN Boston was my GOAL. It was my focus. My dream.

and now here I am.
It's been 5 days without running b/c when I tried to run Tuesday morning I couldn't even make it 5 steps.
At first we just thought it was my glutes. a tear maybe?
however...the signs and symptoms are pointing straight at a Femoral Stress Fracture.

Ugh. yes I said it. I can't even believe it, but it's the most likely possibility at this point.
Is this a bad dream? is the marathon that tore me down last year and all it's unlucky mishaps happening AGAIN?
it looks like it.
Monday in Boston is calling for 90 degrees. they are advising anyone without alot of marathon experience nto to run. Anyone who hasn't trained in this heat, not to run.
well...both of those describe me. I remember how the heat  and stress fracture affected my performance last year and I am not here to run another 3:35 marathon while barely hobbling across the finish line.

The ONE good news is that for the first time, the Boston Marathon is allowing an automatic entry into next year for anyone who wants to defer and not run. But the catch is you can't even START. You have drop out by tomorrow night.

So...here are my options:

1) TRY to run. If it a Stress fracture, the pain will get so bad that it will stop me, eventually and most likely before the finish line. I will have to walk off the course. However, I risk doing major damage to my leg. if it is muscular (which i'm sure it's not), i could run through the pain on Ibuprofen BUT chances of getting near my goal time are slim ..with injury and heat..its just not likely, at all. if I didn't re-qualify with a 3:35 or less or if I dropped out, I wouldn't have a chance to run Boston next year. I would Have to run another marathon and qualify before september of this year and that isn't an opportunity I am going to have.

2) DEFER:( go home, take 6wks off and let this leg heal. YES, it IS looking alot like last year this time isn't it? what the hell is wrong with me! grrrr.
BUT atleast I have auotmatic entry for next year when I can come back with a VENGEANCE:) that is actually VERY good news and perhaps might be the only answer from all the prayers that have been being said on my behalf.


So....what would YOU do? I think I already know the right answer but its so hard to do! part of me just stil wants to get out there, drug up on some pain killers and RUN!!!!!!!

I can't believe I might be a SPECTATOR at this race and not a runner. it's a tough pill to swallow when I spent thousands and i mean THOUSANDS of dollars to come here....for what? clam chowder?
I'm kidding..but really...I never imagined in a thousand years that after all the blood, sweat and tears I have put into this training, I would be sitting here typing this.


Is my heart broken? yes.
will I survive? yes.
will  I train for another marathon? yes, but probably only one more and if I can't get there healthy, I will need to stick to halfs, 10K's and 5k's.
Do I want to cry and kick and scream? yes.
have I? no:) lol...i'm being remarkably strong through all this. perhaps it's all your prayers that are carrying me at this time.

I feel sad that I've let you all down. I feel sad that my coach won't get to see all the hard work pay off. I feel sad that my mom and my friends drove and flew hours to watch my kids so I could come do this......
it's all just very disappointing. I know it will pass and there are MUCH bigger problems in the world....the world does NOT revolve around my running goals. I will get over it, past it, through it, whatever...but it still just SUCKS. but like I've been saying all along :

"It is what it is". Life is not all about ME.

Actually, the worst part for me is the thought of going home and having to take another 2mos off of running. THIS breaks my heart the MOST.
I am not sure why this is happening, but I have to trust that God see's the bigger picture I don't see....and perhaps it is all just to try to increase my faith in Him. Sometimes the test is whether the trial will make us angry, bitter and resentful toward God, or will it humble us and help us see how dependent we really are on Him?

anyway...I would LOVE to hear YOUR feedback and thoughts on my DILEMMA!....
thanks friends!!
xxx

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

BELIEVE

I find that I see the strong determined person I am BEST when I CHOOSE to remain positive, optimistic and BELIEVING through tough trials.

 I am not out of the game yet. 

Monday Morning, April 16th, I WILL show up with my laces tied, my game face on, my glutes/legs rested and ready to show MYSELF that I am stronger than I thought I was.

 I will find my faith strengthened that God really does know ME by NAME and I will FEEL Him running with me. 

The Race I wanted to run, was not good enough.  

He wants it to be better:

 More rewarding, 

more faith-increasing,

more LIFE CHANGING. 

That is the view I choose to take on this injury and set back.

 I Believe.

When Faith becomes your number 1 training tool and tapering mechanism....

I am going to try to write this with a positive attitude.
I woke up this morning feeling optimisitc after yesterdays 10miler.....

I took 2 steps and realized I could.not.run.
I was limping so bad. My glutes were not firing. I went home and cried, and cried and cried.
it is worse than last week. I couldnt' even make it across the parking lot of my apartment complex.

6 days til Boston. So what now?

I talked to my coach and this is what we've come up with: 


1. He thinks this is more than a strain...possibly a significant gluteal muscle tear
2. I am to take another 3 days off. try running an easy 3-4 on friday to see how it feels.
if it hurts, stop running.
3. Best case scenario and what I'm COUNTING ON is this: if after 3 days off I could run 10 miles yesterday with limited pain...then maybe after 6 more days off, I will be able to run with limited pain?:)


* I am mormon and we believe in the power of priesthood blessings where a man holding the priesthood or authority from God to act in his name, can minister an inspired blessing. I had my best friend Tahsha's husband give me a blessing this morning and it was beautiful. it left me hopeful that I WILL be able to run Monday but I need to REST this butt/leg of mine.

I am actually going to put myself out there and ask if you believe in prayer and have a moment to say a prayer for me? Pretty please?

I have worked so hard and more than anything just want to run on Monday and run STRONG. I will be elated if I can make it to the finish in under 3:20....I don't know if it's realisitic to still shoot for that 3:12?:(


* Perhaps the Lord is giving me a chance to increase my faith b/c He knows how much I've been struggling lately?. I am trying to find positive outlooks:)

I WILL  have faith. I WILL Run Boston. I WILL be ready. I WILL have the courage and faith to rest this week. I WILL OVERCOME.

thanks friends.
xx

Monday, April 9, 2012

fighting the mental battle.... quick update!

Just a quick update..I'm hardly on here these days...you can find updates on my FB page that you can find on the right column of this blog.

so...after the quad pain got a bit better, something new developed, which I think is really just a result of the quad issue.... For the last week i've had pain/weakness shooting down my left leg with every step I take. Dr.foland has done lots of graston, stym on my quads, TFL and glutes....but it wasn't getting much better. I finally had to take 3 days off this weekend. It is just tight pissed off muscles but i'm hoping I have enough time left for them to get back to normal.
The 72 hrs this weekend of NO running combined with a  42 mile week  last week (huge drop from regular mileage) resulted in a pretty depressed state for me with lack of or rather NO endorphins coming into this body!!

I finally ran this morning and it was okay. the pain/weakness came and went but it is still there. I'm HOPING that with more rest this week i'll be ready to go come Monday morning!
Thankful for lots of prayers from friends.

MANTRA'S:

I've been thinking of mantras that I will  use for boston on Monday.....here are some of the things I say to myself when i'm racing:


 "I RUN THIS BODY"! (this one is from mile posts)
"15wks of training adds up to THIS day!"
"You have 3 hrs to give it ALL you've got!"
"Be fierce!"
"Run strong!"
"fight for what you want Nicole!"
"You're not a quitter!"
"you're determined, you're strong, you're a fighter" 


I cant believe I leave in 33333333333333333 days for Boston!!!!!!!!!!


Run FAST friends!!!


Thursday, April 5, 2012

In case you want to track me at Boston....

I almost forgot.....
if you want to track me at Boston....My bib is:
15251

thanks for all your support! knowing you are tracking me will help me to fight when it gets tough!! 

FIND YOUR STRONG




I NEVER post pictures of me with NO makeup on...I've never felt pretty without makeup, but here it is. 
My STRONG face, after a beautiful run in the rain, 11 days out from Boston. 
Bring it.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Dreaming BIG.....

I have had time to reflect since my last post..this is mostly for me to process my thoughts somewhere where I can go back and read them later.
I met with John yesterday and my Glute Medius is VERY tight....tighter than it should be by a long shot.. He did some electrical stym and did some pin and stretch which was so painful I was moaning and about jumped off the table a few times. 
He seems to think it will be OKAY...BUT today when I went to run my 12 x 200m workout, it was right back at it. Every step sent a shooting sensation down my left leg that feels like weakness. 
I felt like my leg would give out. I held back and took it easy being sure to keep my repeats between 42 and 44. We think the muscle is so tight it is putting pressure on a nerve maybe. 
I am trying to remain calm and believe that in 12 days it will be BETTER. 

I have 3 x 1 mile sprints on Friday but we're going to wait til I see him again friday to evaluate and then if i'm better I can do them Saturday. Taper is tricky b/c we don't want my legs to get stale...we are both being VERY cautious and careful about the whole thing. Pray for me please?:) thanks. 

So...assuming everything clears up and I have a good day...I am going for my A-Goal...


My A-Goal is a 3:12...why a 3:12 you ask? well.....here's a little glimpse inside my head. 
I am a dreamer. I always have been. I like to set a lofty goal and then I like to go for just a little bit more....
Intially when John asked me at the beginning of training what I wanted to aim for I said 3:15...but that was a lie....I had a bigger dream hidden inside...I wanted a 3:12...or even 3:13..both of those just sound amazing to me. 
I told him my secret desire and he said "I think you can run a 3:10"...well THAT seemed out of my league but a 3:12 or 3:13 seemed like something I would DREAM about.....and I mean DREAM. it's something SO BIG for me that if I did it, I would be AMAZED. ...and I want to Amaze myself:) I WANT it. BAD.
So...I'm going for it! I got my pace band I've been fiddling with and i'm going to do everything I can within MY power to get that 3:12....it is a 7:21 pace

Recently when I ran my 40:59 10K race, I plugged my time into the Macmillan calculator and my heart skipped a beat when it came up with a "projected" race time for the marathon of: 3:12:20!! I couldn't help but think MAYBE it was meant to be:):)


I found this picture of Dorothy when I typed in "running racing" on Pinterest!! and it fits with my post PERFECTLY! I have always felt in my heart that if I believe in ME, then others will too....


If there are obstacles out of my control then I will be okay, but I'm not giving myself a cop out quite yet. 

B Goal: sub 3:20
I would be happy with anything under 3:20...all wonderful times that I would feel pretty incredible about for my 2nd marathon....

C Goal: FINISH and break 3:30.... I think something would have to go seriously wrong to be running close to a 3:30....last year I felt like I really was ready and in shape to run a 3:15-3:20 as my debut marathon but the stress fracture and heat/dehydration really ruined the day for me. My marathon paced runs last year I was running 20 miles at a sub 7:30 average so I know I was more than capable..... too bad it didn't work out for me...

I'm feeling confident and excited about Boston. I feel like it's such a blessing to even be able to go!! I'm a little sick over the costs of the hotel for 5 days but other than that..I'm just plain EXCITED!!!
 5days in a historic city with my hubby and  no kids! VACATION!!

Okay...I will be back i'm sure 5 more times to process my bi-polar emotions before race day:)
ciao!


Sunday, April 1, 2012

And it's all coming to an end.....13 weeks in the making....and the start of a running journal...

Wow. has it really been 13 weeks? It all seems like a blur.I am a bit of an emotional mess. feeling offended by friends, grumpy with my kids....moody with my husband....
I am already wondering what the crap I'm going to do with myself during the 2 weeks off AFTER Boston?:(....it is a strange feeling knowing that all the hard work is coming to an end.

I know you're all reading this saying "Shut up! you haven't even ran the friggin race yet!"...I know know..but these are all REAL feelings...I feel stressed...I feel EMOTIONAL. like SUPER emotional! I DO have my period so that could be part of it but I think it's more than that...

I just don't have a lot of people to process this stuff with ..I dont' DARE confide in my husband about these feelings b/c that would just give him more ammunition to tell me to stop running.
My best running friends are either dealing with the same stuff or too busy...and I worry all my non-running friends would look at me like i'm a crack head. ??**$%^?

When anything great comes to an end it is hard. for 13wks..well for even longer than that..more like 5 months I have had a one clear Focus: BOSTON.

and now what? what happens after this is over? I do have plans for other races..but I almost function better when I'm BUSY and HAVE TO fit everything into a very busy schedule. i dont' do so well when I'm not running...but maybe I will welcome the break......

It's funny how you come to the end like this and you can't even remember everything you've done...so I pulled out these tonight:




Here I am sitting with 15wks of training in front of me.....I HAVE to trust that it's been enough. That I won't show up to Boston and fall apart. that This friggin leg that is killing me right now won't let me down at mile 18...
I remember hitting 17 dehydrated and downtrodden last year...I died. I failed. I fell apart.
what if that happens again? I don't want to think negatively but I just feel like an emotional mess.

I keep thinking how I need to start preparing myself For ANYTHING. IIIIII ...ME, IIII have to be okay with whatever happens. I have said it over and over again, but I don't know if i'm there yet. I keep saying I will be happy whether it's a 3:15 or a 3:25...but i'm not actually there yet....
I can't even feel good about a 6 x 1 mile workout unless things end MY way. Luckily yesterday they did, but what if they didn't? what if I hadn't finished the last repeat the way I wanted? would I have counted the whole workout as a failure?
I have A LOT of work to do here the next 2 wks. I HAVE TO be okay with whatever happens. I am my own WORST critic...I have VERY high expectations of myself and I don't know HOW to be okay with anything less than what I WANT from this.

As I sit here..I am starting to cry b/c I am a MESS of emotions right now!

it makes me wonder...is any of this all worth it???? really???

Ugh...i can't even keep writing b/c I just can't think straight. I will try to come back witha  different perspective later.

Week 13 recap: Glad to be DONE!

After my 22 miler last week, My quad hurt ALL week....I was getting really worried but by friday it seemed better...no longer sore, just tired.
On Wed I tried to do my 16 x 400m workout but only got 12 done. Legs just were not working. worst workout I've had all training.
I havne't even taken the time to look at all my splits...that's how bad. I know the first 5 were 1;33-1:36...then got down to 1:30's but just felt hopeless.

On Saturday I headed out for my last hard, long speed session: 6 x 1 mile repeats..
HARDEST WORKOUT of my training. Mentally and physically. I waited all day for the rain to stop b/c I couldn't bare it.

I won't go into it all but lets just say it took every bit of mental strength to finish this workout...legs were DEAD!
6:30
6:26
6:19
6:24
6:20
6:14* My goal was to do the last one the fastest and I did..BUT maybe to my own detriment b/c today I have major pain in my leg again:(
This is causing me major stress.

As I embark on my 18 miler tomorrow and then 2wks of taper, I hope I can pull it together.
I feel emotionally weak right now and that is not a good place to be before running the biggest race of your life.

NEED.TO.PULL.IT.TOGETHER!

for those of you who have run more than 1 marathon....ADVICE? how do you deal with the taper?????


I did start on this: b/c Amanda is one of my hero's and it apparently works for her so I thought i'd give it a try...this was earlier this week...after this emotional tangent maybe I should go work on page TWO!


I'm sure I will come back with a different perspective tomorrow....I just hope this butt/leg thing gets better FAST or I'm screwed.....I suppose this fear is probably whats fuelling all this emotion....