Wow. has it really been 13 weeks? It all seems like a blur.I am a bit of an emotional mess. feeling offended by friends, grumpy with my kids....moody with my husband....
I am already wondering what the crap I'm going to do with myself during the 2 weeks off AFTER Boston?:(....it is a strange feeling knowing that all the hard work is coming to an end.
I know you're all reading this saying "Shut up! you haven't even ran the friggin race yet!"...I know know..but these are all REAL feelings...I feel stressed...I feel EMOTIONAL. like SUPER emotional! I DO have my period so that could be part of it but I think it's more than that...
I just don't have a lot of people to process this stuff with ..I dont' DARE confide in my husband about these feelings b/c that would just give him more ammunition to tell me to stop running.
My best running friends are either dealing with the same stuff or too busy...and I worry all my non-running friends would look at me like i'm a crack head. ??**$%^?
When anything great comes to an end it is hard. for 13wks..well for even longer than that..more like 5 months I have had a one clear Focus: BOSTON.
and now what? what happens after this is over? I do have plans for other races..but I almost function better when I'm BUSY and HAVE TO fit everything into a very busy schedule. i dont' do so well when I'm not running...but maybe I will welcome the break......
It's funny how you come to the end like this and you can't even remember everything you've done...so I pulled out these tonight:
Here I am sitting with 15wks of training in front of me.....I HAVE to trust that it's been enough. That I won't show up to Boston and fall apart. that This friggin leg that is killing me right now won't let me down at mile 18...
I remember hitting 17 dehydrated and downtrodden last year...I died. I failed. I fell apart.
what if that happens again? I don't want to think negatively but I just feel like an emotional mess.
I keep thinking how I need to start preparing myself For ANYTHING. IIIIII ...ME, IIII have to be okay with whatever happens. I have said it over and over again, but I don't know if i'm there yet. I keep saying I will be happy whether it's a 3:15 or a 3:25...but i'm not actually there yet....
I can't even feel good about a 6 x 1 mile workout unless things end MY way. Luckily yesterday they did, but what if they didn't? what if I hadn't finished the last repeat the way I wanted? would I have counted the whole workout as a failure?
I have A LOT of work to do here the next 2 wks. I HAVE TO be okay with whatever happens. I am my own WORST critic...I have VERY high expectations of myself and I don't know HOW to be okay with anything less than what I WANT from this.
As I sit here..I am starting to cry b/c I am a MESS of emotions right now!
it makes me wonder...is any of this all worth it???? really???
Ugh...i can't even keep writing b/c I just can't think straight. I will try to come back witha different perspective later.
Week 13 recap: Glad to be DONE!
After my 22 miler last week, My quad hurt ALL week....I was getting really worried but by friday it seemed better...no longer sore, just tired.
On Wed I tried to do my 16 x 400m workout but only got 12 done. Legs just were not working. worst workout I've had all training.
I havne't even taken the time to look at all my splits...that's how bad. I know the first 5 were 1;33-1:36...then got down to 1:30's but just felt hopeless.
On Saturday I headed out for my last hard, long speed session: 6 x 1 mile repeats..
HARDEST WORKOUT of my training. Mentally and physically. I waited all day for the rain to stop b/c I couldn't bare it.
I won't go into it all but lets just say it took every bit of mental strength to finish this workout...legs were DEAD!
6:14* My goal was to do the last one the fastest and I did..BUT maybe to my own detriment b/c today I have major pain in my leg again:(
This is causing me major stress.
As I embark on my 18 miler tomorrow and then 2wks of taper, I hope I can pull it together.
I feel emotionally weak right now and that is not a good place to be before running the biggest race of your life.
for those of you who have run more than 1 marathon....ADVICE? how do you deal with the taper?????
I did start on this: b/c Amanda is one of my hero's and it apparently works for her so I thought i'd give it a try...this was earlier this week...after this emotional tangent maybe I should go work on page TWO!
I'm sure I will come back with a different perspective tomorrow....I just hope this butt/leg thing gets better FAST or I'm screwed.....I suppose this fear is probably whats fuelling all this emotion....