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Sunday, April 1, 2012

And it's all coming to an end.....13 weeks in the making....and the start of a running journal...

Wow. has it really been 13 weeks? It all seems like a blur.I am a bit of an emotional mess. feeling offended by friends, grumpy with my kids....moody with my husband....
I am already wondering what the crap I'm going to do with myself during the 2 weeks off AFTER Boston?:(....it is a strange feeling knowing that all the hard work is coming to an end.

I know you're all reading this saying "Shut up! you haven't even ran the friggin race yet!"...I know know..but these are all REAL feelings...I feel stressed...I feel EMOTIONAL. like SUPER emotional! I DO have my period so that could be part of it but I think it's more than that...

I just don't have a lot of people to process this stuff with ..I dont' DARE confide in my husband about these feelings b/c that would just give him more ammunition to tell me to stop running.
My best running friends are either dealing with the same stuff or too busy...and I worry all my non-running friends would look at me like i'm a crack head. ??**$%^?

When anything great comes to an end it is hard. for 13wks..well for even longer than that..more like 5 months I have had a one clear Focus: BOSTON.

and now what? what happens after this is over? I do have plans for other races..but I almost function better when I'm BUSY and HAVE TO fit everything into a very busy schedule. i dont' do so well when I'm not running...but maybe I will welcome the break......

It's funny how you come to the end like this and you can't even remember everything you've done...so I pulled out these tonight:




Here I am sitting with 15wks of training in front of me.....I HAVE to trust that it's been enough. That I won't show up to Boston and fall apart. that This friggin leg that is killing me right now won't let me down at mile 18...
I remember hitting 17 dehydrated and downtrodden last year...I died. I failed. I fell apart.
what if that happens again? I don't want to think negatively but I just feel like an emotional mess.

I keep thinking how I need to start preparing myself For ANYTHING. IIIIII ...ME, IIII have to be okay with whatever happens. I have said it over and over again, but I don't know if i'm there yet. I keep saying I will be happy whether it's a 3:15 or a 3:25...but i'm not actually there yet....
I can't even feel good about a 6 x 1 mile workout unless things end MY way. Luckily yesterday they did, but what if they didn't? what if I hadn't finished the last repeat the way I wanted? would I have counted the whole workout as a failure?
I have A LOT of work to do here the next 2 wks. I HAVE TO be okay with whatever happens. I am my own WORST critic...I have VERY high expectations of myself and I don't know HOW to be okay with anything less than what I WANT from this.

As I sit here..I am starting to cry b/c I am a MESS of emotions right now!

it makes me wonder...is any of this all worth it???? really???

Ugh...i can't even keep writing b/c I just can't think straight. I will try to come back witha  different perspective later.

Week 13 recap: Glad to be DONE!

After my 22 miler last week, My quad hurt ALL week....I was getting really worried but by friday it seemed better...no longer sore, just tired.
On Wed I tried to do my 16 x 400m workout but only got 12 done. Legs just were not working. worst workout I've had all training.
I havne't even taken the time to look at all my splits...that's how bad. I know the first 5 were 1;33-1:36...then got down to 1:30's but just felt hopeless.

On Saturday I headed out for my last hard, long speed session: 6 x 1 mile repeats..
HARDEST WORKOUT of my training. Mentally and physically. I waited all day for the rain to stop b/c I couldn't bare it.

I won't go into it all but lets just say it took every bit of mental strength to finish this workout...legs were DEAD!
6:30
6:26
6:19
6:24
6:20
6:14* My goal was to do the last one the fastest and I did..BUT maybe to my own detriment b/c today I have major pain in my leg again:(
This is causing me major stress.

As I embark on my 18 miler tomorrow and then 2wks of taper, I hope I can pull it together.
I feel emotionally weak right now and that is not a good place to be before running the biggest race of your life.

NEED.TO.PULL.IT.TOGETHER!

for those of you who have run more than 1 marathon....ADVICE? how do you deal with the taper?????


I did start on this: b/c Amanda is one of my hero's and it apparently works for her so I thought i'd give it a try...this was earlier this week...after this emotional tangent maybe I should go work on page TWO!


I'm sure I will come back with a different perspective tomorrow....I just hope this butt/leg thing gets better FAST or I'm screwed.....I suppose this fear is probably whats fuelling all this emotion....

9 comments:

  1. It's really hard to just trust and not be anxious when you have poured your whole self into something like a goal race. It's an art! I understand the deep need to feel like you have hit every pace. Been there. Might still be there..

    I think your taper will fix the butt/leg thing. Can you postpone your long run by one day? Maybe your leg will feel better with one day of rest.?

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  2. Nicole, as I said earlier, I've felt these same feelings this week. A whole range of emotions stirring inside of me. This is part of taper and approaching a race we've worked so hard for. We are normal emotional beings here. I know when we have talked this week, you've probably picked up on my mood shift. And then after my 10k, I just fell apart a bit...tears, PMS, doubts...the whole ball of wax. I know I went into it with the intentions of a workout so that is what it was but I was still discouraged at my lack of speed right now. But after reflection, I know this is okay and where my training has put me...for a reason. I've even gone back to my past training today and started worrying about the fact that my first 10k in my half marathon 4 weeks before Newport was faster than what I'm running a 10k right now. Ha! Glad I had a friend to tell me to pull my head out of the sand. Silly to be worrying about such things instead of focusing on how prepared I am now. And it has even been hard on me this week to see that you and I are doing such totally different workouts...not that I'm comparing myself you as a runner but more that it is SO hard NOT to compare our workouts/plans since we talk daily about our plans. It is almost impossible to not compare a little and to start to question my own training. I know, silly. But there you go...there's my REAL. :) Silly but real feelings. yes, we've just got to trust that we've followed the "recipe" as Raina mentioned tonight. Every plan is different but if we've followed it, then it should get us there. You're going to do great Nicole! and you are not alone in these feelings.

    This collage thing helps me a ton with processing my feelings and getting into the zone so I can focus focus focus on the positives and my race plan. So does prayer and running ALONE. This helped a ton today.

    TAke care of yourself. Go EASY tomorrow if you're still feeling it. And don't be afraid to cut the run shorter. As people have told me lately, you've done the work. Now is the time to absorb. A shorter run won't hurt you a bit. xo

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  3. Hi Nicole,
    I can imagine and understand you are at a very emotional stage right now, but I am sure you will do a wonderful job at Boston and in the end enjoy the well deserved time off after that, too. Can't wait to read all about it!!!

    But I am wondering why your husband would prefer you would not be running, is that because he is a chiropractic, or he thinks it is taking too much of your energy and time? My chiropractic was a runner himself, and interestingly he told me that in spite of my back problems I can run, however not too slowly, since only if we run fast enough the body works as a flexible spring...

    Thanks for your answer, and keep your spirit UP!

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  4. I adore you, cause I know you see me as a Pillar of nothing but positivity and such but what I see is so much of me in you. That emotional and vulnerable creature of God. I feel like you see this as a weakness, I view it as a strength. What may at times brings you down allows you view the world and your endeavors as such a big as they truly are. It's ok to have all these feelings, I'm glad you have a place to pour them all out and sort through em' it's why I've fallen for blogging and I completely understand that vulnerability in sharing all these emotions with people. It's never a sign of weakness and it's a sign that you are a normal person, a Runner that has Trained her ass off!

    Ok, so you quad hurts. Don't break yourself. Taper back the last long run a little bit more for the quad to recover and maybe if you do that you shorten it to a 16 or a progressive 12-14. Talk to your coach, make the adjustment. Your Quad feels good then Run if not then Please make that adjustment. You have come too far! Not running on it as "someone scheduled you too" is not a sign of weakness nor is it going to be detrimental to your success. You can still run, you're not broken, Keep Faith- Just be gentle.

    Taper Madness Tips: Light cross training- more walking- read a book- start a new hobby- volunteer more.....anything really to replace that time you spent running.

    Plus more so than ever- time to Pamper Nicole. Schedule a Massage- get a mani-pedi and maybe do some shopping!

    I think you are Great- Keep your Head Up and Prayers for that Quad!

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  5. Eeek, I'm so excited for you! You're running really strong. It's going to be a great race.

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  6. Nicole you can always confide in me! My hubby doesn't like me running either so I know how it feels. You can always email me to vent if you need to. I am good listener.

    I am already dreading the mood swings that are on the horizon for me. I get so cranky and downright mean sometimes during my taper. I should say a prayer for my hubby right now, lol. :-)

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  7. Nicole, those mile splits are spectacular! Well, so is all the rest of your training too...

    At this point, you just have to trust in your training. You've put so much into it and you are going to perform spectacularly. I have a hard time with the taper, so I like the idea of a 2 week taper because it goes by more quickly. I usually keep up my speed, just try to cut the mileage.

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  8. First, you are a great runner. Second, you have trained for this race. It's yours! Third, I believe that you can run the fast time you want in Boston. Keep believing in yourself. Sometimes I tell myself I can do this and I will do this. Everyone has something different they tell themselves, but that's what I tell myself.
    As far as the taper goes, tapers make everyone a little crazy. Take your extra time to study the course and memorize your plan for each section of the race. Get extra sleep. Go to that spa you like so much. Let your muscles repair themselves so they can be strong for Boston.

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  9. First, you are a great runner. Second, you have trained for this race. It's yours! Third, I believe that you can run the fast time you want in Boston. Keep believing in yourself. Sometimes I tell myself I can do this and I will do this. Everyone has something different they tell themselves, but that's what I tell myself.
    As far as the taper goes, tapers make everyone a little crazy. Take your extra time to study the course and memorize your plan for each section of the race. Get extra sleep. Go to that spa you like so much. Let your muscles repair themselves so they can be strong for Boston.

    ReplyDelete

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