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Saturday, October 29, 2011

Runaway Pumpkin Half marathon-Race Recap and pictures!


Waiting in the dark for the bus to the start line:)

getting ready to warm up:)
What a GREAT day!!


Got to bed at MIDNIGHT, so 4:45am rolled around pretty quick this morning!!
I packed my oatmeal and bunch of other stuff and headed to Road Runner Sports to meet Stephanie:)
For the first time on the way to a race, I asked someone..."This is normal right? getting up at 4:45am to run 13 miles? .....her response, "no".
Plain as that. I am realizing more and more that runners are an interesting breed!
It was dark and foggy and raining all the way there...we had to stop 2 times at gas stations b/c I was about to poop my pants!! Seriously, not sure what was going on...I wasn't even feeling nervous!!
When we got to the parking area, we had to wait for a bus.
I had been thinking all the way there about the Race strategy John had laid out for me and began to wonder if perhaps 7:15 pace was going to feel too hard......I should have left myself more wiggle room....not that I was putting much pressure on myself but I DID say I knew I could run a 1:33...silently hoping now, I wasn't going to eat my words;)

We warmed up with a nice comfy 8:04 mile and then got into our racing clothes:) it was actually warming up nicely! about 50 now...but still sprinkling.

When we got to the start line, Steph was still saying how she just wasn't feeling it today....I still knew she'd be way ahead of me and I was right:)
So ....gun goes off....sub 7 on the watch and it feels great ...but that is just adrenaline, so I slow down:)
Mile 1 was a 7:18. not bad. close to target pace...but was planning to run it a bit slower...wanted to give myself room to get faster over time.
mile 2 7:25. Mile 2 was also starting to climb a bit.

This was NOT a flat course like they say "mostly flat" lol. I actually didn't mind it, but I heard a lot of the top finishers talking about how it was not a flat course and much hillier than they had anticipated

At Mile 2, a girl tried to pass me, but I made a little surge and never saw her again:D nice try lady in the pink tutu.
After mile 2, it was a slow and steady race between me, myself and I:) I picked off man, by man.....

I was the lone female amongst a lot of men, with a few women in front of me and no one behind me. (the next female finished 5 min after me).

It felt REALLY good to inch by inch, take these men out...I'm not gonna lie. I don't think it did much for they ego to see me, little blonde chick, passing them:) but it did LOTS for mine;) lol

Mile 4-8 was a slow and stead climb with no downhill. When you crest up the hill to the top of mile 8, you get about a 1/4 of a mile of down hill. Thats' the only downhill in the race:)...but I TOOK advantage of it and let my body carry me down at a nice 6min pace.....
I was actually surprised at how good and consistent my paces were from mile 4-8. all around 7:15-7:18.

I was feeling really strong. body was not hurting...I was maintaining control and being sure not to push to soon.
I know john said at mile 10 I could "GO"...but I was too chicken! I dropped down to low 7's but I knew I was going ot wait til the last mile or mile and half before I picked it up. I didn't want to risk doing it too soon and burning out. I know my body. I have a kick, but not a 3 mile kick:)

it turned out to be a good decision. I passed another guy at mile 9, another at mile 11 and ANOTHER at mile 12.5:):)
when I hit mile 12, I looked at my watch and realized that IF I wanted to go under 1:34, which I DID, I HAD to push this mile hard! I knew I had a lot of slower than 7:15 miles to make up for. I decided I was going to push as hard as my body could and go for it! I WANTED to see a 1:33 on that clock when I came to the finish line!!
I looked down at 12.60 miles and was running a 6:20 pace. THIS HURT. I mean it HURT, but it wasn't for a long duration so I knew I could tolerate it. You can do ANYTHING for 6minutes:0)


I crossed the finish line at 1:33:38 and FELT amazing!


I had a second where I felt like I was going to cry b/c I had one it! I beat 1:34 and I executed my race perfectly!

I felt STRONG the whole way. I never had a moment where I felt like "I couldn't " or where I felt discouraged. Normally I feel this way at least ONCE during a hard race, but not today:) I was holding on , knowing I was going to have some left in the tank at the end and it felt GREAT! While everyone else was getting tired at mile 8,9,10...I was picking it up, definitely a GREAT way to race!!!

I was 6th female overall and 1st in my AG. It was a perfect day:)

Here are my mile splits:

Mile 1: 7:19
Mile 2: 7:26 (wasn't prepared for some incline already)
Mile 3: 7:15
mile 4: 7:11
Mile 5: 7:20 (long gradual climb starts)
Mile 6: 7:16
Mile 7: 7:16
Mile 8: 7:18
Mile 9: 6:57
Mile 10: 7:09
Mile 11: 7:11
Mile 12: 7:03
Mile 13: 6:42

Post race:)

With our cute glasses for getting first in our Age groups:)

Relaxing in the Hot Tub with my girls tonight:):)









Thursday, October 27, 2011

good sleep + good comments= new perspective

well...not sure about the good sleep, but it was better than what I've been getting the last week!

Thank you so much for all your WISE comments on my last post......

I have thought about it, am over my tantrum and looking forward to following coaches protocol on Saturday for my Half Marathon!

To answer some questions...he has a few reasons for wanting me to run the race this way:
7:15 pace for first 10 miles
all out for last 5K.

1. I haven't been doing speed work and really preparing to race 13 miles all out
2. he doesn't want me to get injured
3. he said he would like to see how my body responds to this type of effort (maybe he is thinking ahead to Boston racing strategy, I don't know).
4. he said he would like me to save my "racing" effort for when i'm better prepared.


I totally get ALL these reasons and he's right. I don't want to get injured. I really have NO idea what the course is like...they say it's "mostly flat"...but Stephanie brought to my attention that lots of races SAY that but then that is all perspective...so who knows..maybe a 7:15 will feel easy , but maybe it will be tough for the course. I am going to go in this with my head in the space that I am going to run this strategically, holding back so that I am running COMFORTABLY uncomfortable and then see IF ...IF IF IF ...I am able to push those last 3 miles. I am more like a 'push the last half mile' kind of girl..so THIS will be challenging and I'm actually looking forward to it!!


Who else is racing this weekend????

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

First and last workout....and MAJOR Internal conflict about this upcoming race limits...

Lets do a little running and workout post about the last week:)
This was last week..... miles time pace
10/22/2011Run
local neighborhoods
Easy8.0 mi1:15:009:23
10/21/2011Run
downtown waterfront
Easy6.0 mi57:009:30
10/20/2011Run
downtown waterfront
Easy10.0 mi1:24:518:30
10/19/2011Run
spring water trail
Easy9.0 mi1:14:308:17
10/18/2011Run
local neighborhoods
Easy7.0 mi54:237:47
10/17/2011Run
local neighborhoods
Easy7.0 mi1:10:0010:00
Week of my surgery. Got my 40 miles in 4 days in!!!!
10/13/2011Run
local neighborhoods
Easy7.0 mi1:01:548:51
10/12/2011Run
NW Thurman to terwilliger Hill to ....and back
Easy12.5 mi1:41:008:05
10/11/2011Run
local neighborhoods
Easy7.5 mi1:10:009:20
10/10/2011Run
local neighborhoods
Easy3.0 mi31:0010:20
10/10/2011Run
downtown waterfront
Easy10.0 mi1:22:338:16

John, My new coach, specifically told me to "SLOW DOWN". He keeps telling me that his challenge with me is going to be keeping me from pushing too hard. It's true, It really is like an addiction..if I get the need to run fast when I'm out there, I do it...even when I KNOW it's not good for me!! I can't stop myself and It is really beginning to annoy myself.
So as you can see I took last week pretty easy:)

I asked John what I should do this week before my Half Marathon on Saturday. This is the FIRST week he has given me anything. I have been doing my own thing for the last while with just light guidance about increasing my mileage.
So this week I had
Monday: 7 easy
then Yesterday, Tuesdsay, was the First real workout I have had given to me...and the last for this race:)

8 miles with 2 warm up,
4 at 7-7:10 pace,
and 2 cool down.
I felt nervous going into this and extremely UN-confident. I had to talk to myself the whole time those 1st 2 miles to build myself up.
My ipod died before mile 2 so it was just me and the spring water trail:)
Mile 3: 7:08
Mile 4: 6:56
Mile 5: 6:44
Mile 6: 6:47
cool down.....

I was NOT trying to run sub 7's but everytime i tried to slow down, I would slow WAY down...I could not find a 7:-7:10 pace to save my life so I stopped looking at my watch and ran by feel. I felt REALLY good when I was done and WAY more confident about my abilities right now. My legs did not feel tired running these til the last 1/2 mile.

John was very nice but made it clear that AGAIN, I did not stick to the plan (he has advised me on running too fast a few times already). I felt so bad and a bit like a failure. WHY can't I just stick to the plan? why do I always push too hard?:( it is such a huge dilemma within me. ....and I'm coming from a coach who let me run as hard as i possibly could in workouts....though I don't think that was necessarily a good thing now...it is what I am used to.

Okay....so here's the deal. ...
John texts me today and asks " So in the back of your mind, what have you been thinking you want to run for saturday?"
I told him my dream goal was to get as close to my 1:32:18 PR as possible but realistic goal was 1:34-:135.

WELL......HERE"S THE PROBLEM.
He told me that he wants me to hold 7:15 for the first 10 miles. and that I am NOT to go any faster than that! then the last 5K I can give it everything I got.
I told him that I had the feeling my body would want to run more like 7:08-7:15 range and he basically said no.

I am having an INTERNAL FIT right now!!!
I know myself, I am EXTREMELY competitive when I get out there! I paid for this race, am driving 2 hrs and I WANT to RACE!!! If I feel good running 7 min miles, I want to do it!!, if some girl is passing me and I know I'm not racing at my full potential, I will go CRAZY!!!

ON the OTHER hand, I know that John knows what he's doing. He told me this isn't the big picture and to save it for another race:( I want Him to know that I CAN listen to him and not be some un-ruley annoying athlete who cannot be coached b/c she asks for help and advice and coaching and then doesn't listen.

I KNOW I can run faster than a 1:34, so how the heck am I going to force myself to run slower than my potential, even if it's whats best for me right now?

I feel like I need to practice trust in my coach and humility....but this is so hard.... I want to throw a big 2 yr old trantrum right now instead.

My ONLY hope is I could run 7:13's (he told me I could have 2 seconds leeway) and then TRY to run 6:45's the last 3 miles....but I feel like that would be harder than running 7:05-7:10's consistently. sigh.....

So there it is!
Nicole is NOT getting her way and she is acting like a 2yr old!

This is going to take a few days to process.....this is SO out of my comfort zone.....


Monday, October 24, 2011

4 yrs ago today......

I was as BIG as a HOUSE!

41 wks pregnant (7 days overdue:))
No Joke....it looks like I shoved a basketball up my shirt!

My pregnancy with Erika was a very special one.... and I dreamed and planned the whole time to have a natural birth. My experience with megan was not a good one. 23 hrs of labour, 3plus hours of pushing only to end in an episiotomy, 4th degree tears and a vacuum to get her out. It was horrible and I couldn't even roll over in bed unassisted for 4 days:(
So, this pregnancy I had a dream of experiencing a beautiful Natural birth and see my body do what it was made to do. What God had created it to do. I wanted it more than ANYTHING!

I prayed and prayed, read the hypno birthing book, listened to my birth affirmations everyday without fail...and then waited.....

Erika was a lovely 11 days late. LONGEST. 11. DAYS. OF. MY . LIFE.
Finally on the eve of Oct 25th, contractions started....mild...at 4am I woke up and told Steve this was it!
They were coming strong. we called our midwife clinic to find out the hospital was full. :/
They informed me I would have to go to a different hospital and deliver with someone I didn't know.
I felt calm b/c I knew that The Lord had heard my prayers. They found me a midwife and off we went to Legacy Emanuel.

I will never forget Steve making me laugh on the way there and me begging him to stop b/c every giggle HURT! I was nervous and excited but Knew I was about to experience something magical.....and magical I did:)
we arrived at about 5am and I was 5cm.
I hoped labour would go quickly but apparently my babies like to take their time. I stayed in the tup for 2hrs from 6-8 at which point I was only 7cm.

It was so peaceful to labour with just my husband. When I climbed into bed at 7cm the nurse rubbed my back continually as I had back labour. Steve continued to speak soft words to me and help me keep my body relaxed. I was doing it. I was labouring naturally and it was an incredible experience. With each contraction, I just breathed. It hurt so much, but I was managing it. I was doing it. I felt strong.

When I got to 10cm at 12pm, It was time to push. I was SO happy b/c I was DONE. I FULLY expected to push 3 times and be done.

After 45min I started asking "WHY isn't she coming OUT?!"....(at this point I was screaming like a banshee with every push and we had tried every position possible-the best was me squatting, buck naked, holding on to the over head bars-sorry no pictures of that). The poor midwife, who I might add was the HUGEST blessing and best fit for my personality!, kept saying " I don't know??".....
Well after 90min of pushing....Little Erika Brooke Wagner finally made her appearance!! Turns out her shoulder was stuck on my pelvis bone b/c she was so big. She also had tortecolis from being so cramped in there for so long. she went to physical therapy for 6wks to be able to stretch out her neck muscles. poor girl!

Anyway, I was instantly IN LOVE and instantly realized she looked exactly the same as MY new born pictures:) (and I wasn't cute-lol)...she was fat and pink and so so so cute!!!

After a few minutes I heard whispers from the nurses......"she looks like a big baby...."...
'Hmm....she does look big.....I bet she's 8lbs!' I say....
Oh no...ladies....
oh no..... I was wrong....

My little Mooshy weighed in at 10lbs 4oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, 22 inches long, and 14 /34 " head (that is nothing new...megans' head was the same size! NOT normal! I blame this on my husband! lol).

To say I was in shock was an understatement.

She was my miracle baby. Every doctor would look at my 105lb frame and tell me it was impossible to birth a baby of that size, but I did it. My body DID what GOD made it to DO! To this day, it is one of the greatest miracles of my life.

She had size 2 feet and couldn't even fit into the newborn diapers:) Seriously...this girl new how to make an entrance;)

I have never felt such a love as I do for this little girl. She is a mini-me in every way which gives me a very deep connection with her. I love her more than I could ever put into words. She has changed my life and she challenges me every day with her very spicy sweet personality.
Thank you Moosh for making me the happiest mommy in the world!

Happy 4th Birthday!!!



getting my vitals checked.
Laboring in bed between 7 and 10cm....I stayed like this for 4hrs:)
My BEAUTIFUL baby Moosh is here!!!!!!
There's the proof! lol....what a chunker!
and NO I didn't have GD. I took A LOT of fish oil and it makes babies bigger. true story.
she was ridiculously healthy and had none of the problems they suspected for a big baby:)


Sweet Megan coming to meet her new sister!
I love this. 2 days old:)
growing...4 mos' old:)
First Lollypop!!!

first birthday!


Age 22mos with big sister Megan:)
2nd birthday!
3rd Birthday!
Last month at the beach:)
I love my crazy girl!!!
I'm so blessed to be your mommy!!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Stop being such a grump!!!!!

I feel like such crap lately. Grumpy grump McGrumper!! I need to snap out of it. I have no energy. My runs have been so challenging this week that it has made me feel so slow and discouraged. I just started my period today so I am sure that part of my crappy attitude is pms but I am just not myself lately:(. I find myself comparing myself to others and feeling like everyone is doing more than me and that I am so behind:(. I have this yucky discouraging fearful feeling that I am just going to flop at Boston:(. Let's face it, my first marathon was not exactly a great race and I so badly wantto experience a GOOD marathon. And this doesn't necessarily have to mean the time but I want to feel good an strong. Anyway, I am no sure why I am so down on myself lately but I really need a pep talk!!! Grrr. I know I am not the only runner who goes through these crappy times, how do you snap out of it when you feel like this??? I know if I can't get my head in the game by Saturday this half marathon will be pointless. Running is definitely 95% mental for me. I got 6 days. I am hoping this is all hormone related and things feel better in a few days. Thanks for listening to my vent! Sometimes you just need to get these things off your chest ya know?

Friday, October 21, 2011

Behind the 8 ball....

what does this saying mean? does it mean I am behind...on LIFE? cause if so then it is the perfect title for this post.
I have not posted though I have a lot I could post about...just DON'T have time:(
too busy with work, running and KIDS. I feel too guilty to get on here during the day when i should be spending time with them and too guilty at night when I should be spending time with my husband or answering brides emails. just haven't found a chunk of time when I could blog:(:(

anyway..Long story short:

There are some AWESOME blog posts out there right now and I have SO MUCH TO SAY to them...just havne't had time. be paitent, I promise I will get around to to commenting!!!

My LEG is just feeling tired. Still SUPER BRUISED on the inside and all of my runs this week have felt ....like I'm dragging heavy bricks. I'm a bit pissed at myself for doing this surgery so close to my race. I didn't expect any of this...
Have ZERO expectations now for my half marathon in 1 week b/c I'm finding paces in the 8-9min range challenging and fatiguing since this surgery. it is sort of infuriating.

anyway...will post a REAL blog soon:)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

battle wounds, nothing inspired, and a date night!

I really prefer to write when I am feeling super pumped about something! a great run, an ephiphany...SOMETHING...but I can't think of anything super exciting to share tonight. I am writing, however, because my husband went to his office to write up a few letters for work and I have FREE time on my hands! lol.
OH...AND b/c I want to wish everyone running tomorrow Good luck!! I know Dorothy and Amanda are! who else? for all of you running....GOOD LUCK! and I mean that. RUN YOUR HEARTS OUT!
I am so excited! I love to cheer people on from home:):)

SO...battle wounds....
I had the surgery on Thursday morning and haven't been allowed to run since.
Running helps curb my terrible eating cravings a bit...for example, in the last 2 days since i HAVE'NT run. I've eaten:
Thursday: After surgery went to FIVE Guys..(SO YUMMY!) and ate a cheese burger and fries.
Friday  night: went to cheese cake factory and ate: tex meg egg rolls (deep fried), pasta with cream sauce and cheese cake (not to mention the bread they bring you, which we got 3 servings of!)

(me with my adorable husband. he was SO tired, what a trooper for coming out with me for a date night:)) 

Saturday : 5 ginger snap cookies for breakfast....left over cheese cake, more cookies (snickerdoodles) later and so on. (why does everyone bring you cookies at once??!! i didn't make ANY of these delicious little snacks)

REALLY? who does this? Thank GOODNESS I have good metabolism. I am embarassed for telling you all that. pretty sick huh? and i'm sure I missed something else.
Why does my brain think when I have a few days off of running that I am allowed to eat like I just ran 5 consecutive marathons???!!!
SO UN.HEALTHY.

Last night, Friday, at the Cheesecake factory, it was a marathon celebration for Helen who ran 2:51 in Chicago. I did her makeup and she looked SO pretty! I LOVE doing my friends makeup:)

(Helen and Joel)

I also got to meet Michelle from Runn Princess Runn!!! she is so sweet and I loved meeting her! if you haven't checked out her blog, do so! she is SUPER inspiring!!!!
(Michelle, her daughter, me, Helen)

It was a fun night! congrats Helen!!


Okay, back to the SURGERY.... they stuck A LOT of needles in my leg to NUMB it...then inserted a fiber into my leg near my knee up to my groin. THEN turned it on and literally burned the main saphenous vein as they pulled it out. A few times they hit a spot that wasn't numb and I screamed! SO PAINFUL!. It made me think about people who get tortured. I know, sick, but it's true. I was so thankful they shut it off to do more numbing as soon as they heard me yelling in pain.
anyway...here's a pic I snapped of my thigh with all the friggin needle pricks. sick. the numbing was the worst part, it seemed to take forever!
The SAD part for me is that my actual vericose veins probably wont' go away. This surgery was just to FIX the CAUSE of the problem by shutting off the hose so to speak. Now in 3-6mos I have to go back and they will manually inject each yucky puffy bulgy vein. Oh and take another $1-2,000 of my money:( boo.

I am walking around in compression hose that are SO TIGHT I have to use RUBBER GLOVES to get them on. I kid you not. it's pretty awesome. they make me itchy.
I can't cross my legs either b/c that hurts.
The doctor told me it would be about 5-7 days before I would feel comfortable to run...I'm hoping to run by tuesday b/c I have a half marathon in exactly 14 days...not the best time to take a week off! geesh. bad planning on MY part. oh well...not the end of the world.

well, that's it folks...off to bed and excited to track some runners tomorrow! if you're racing tomorrow, let me know so I can track you too!!!!

night!
xx

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Surgery tomorrow, 40 miles in 4 days...and new boston jacket....

Wow...I am really busy the last few days so this is going to be a quick post. I apologise in advance for spelling mistakes...fragmented sentences etc!

Okay...so TOMORROW morning, I am finally gettting surgery to get rid of these bad boys:



I developed vericose veins after baby number 1...but they got REALLY bad after Erika...she was 10lbs 4 oz and did some serious damage to my body. I am SO excited to get rid of them!!! I hate them. It is a genetic issue. my mom and sisters have them too. I have Venus Reflux which means my valve at the top of my leg/groin area doesn't open and shut properly causing un wanted pressure in the leg and forcing it out into smaller veins which them bulge creating vericose veins.
I will be there for 4 hours and get to have local anesthetic injected all the way up my leg...not sure how many needles that will be ...but NOT looking forward to it!

Becuase of THIS...I don't think they will allow me to run til at least Monday.....
SO....I can't run the 5K on Saturday....disappointed about that...but there will be other races.

I HAVE however been trying to figure out how to get some miles in this week. Last week was my biggest week so far at 50 miles!! (WOOHOO) and I didnt' want to drop down to 20 or 30 this week...SO, being the crazy neurotic OCD runner I am, I decided I wanted to try to fit in 40 miles in 4 days!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes...it's sounding a bit retarded right now when my legs are so tired..but they will have quite a few days to recover so I'm trying to suck it up!

Monday: 13
Tuesday: 7.5
Wednesday: 12.5
total: 33 miles...
SO tomorrow the PLAN is to get up EARLY and get in those last 7 miles before my surgery at 9am....hopefully I can DO IT!

the 12.5 mile run today was supposed to be 14 or 15 BUT I was late and ran out of time. I ran with a new friend and she took me on a run that was uphill for the first 6.5 miles ...my calves are SCREAMING at me right now so this 7 miles might NOT happen in the morning, but I will try:)

Oh...and here is my cute new Boston Qualifier jacket that Adidas put out. I felt kinda weird buying a jacket that said that b/c I don't want people thinking that is why I bought it...but I seriously LOVED the colors and the style so I figured I might as well b/c I will get lost of wear out of it in Rainy Portland:):)
it's pretty darn snazzy!
(The picture doesn't do it justice..it's WAY cuter in person!-with jeans;))



Sunday, October 9, 2011

Deep Self Reflection: "Amanda Style"


 The reason I say “Amanda Style” is b/c I am going to try to be as raw and open as I can be here. Even if it means that some of you think of me differently.  She is so good at that and it has helped me to have the courage to try it. This is really really hard for me to expose myself but I think it will help me. I have been going back and forth about posting any of this…

 First off, I am not going to lie. “Anonymous”, or “Ilsa” as she wrote me again yesterday under that name and then deleted it, has gotten under my skin. I pretend like it doesn’t affect me, but it does.

I have been thinking and thinking, b/c maybe there is something to what she says. So I have been pondering and reviewing myself under a microscope the last few days and here’s what I want to say.

I am an extremely SENSITIVE person. I am very emotional, I Love deeply and passionately. I fall in love easily and care for others with my whole heart, (once you capture it;)). I yearn for deep loving relationships with my family and my friends. I get hurt easily and am easily offended. Sometimes I hold a grudge if I’m really hurt. I want people to like me. I want to be loved in return.  

Do I like Praise? YES. Do I need it? I think I do. I know my love language is “Words of Affirmation” so perhaps this is why. I DO feel the most loved by people when they sincerely compliment me or give me praise. I would rather have a note from someone  expressing their thoughts and feelings to me and telling me how great they think I am than a million dollar present any day. It just makes me feel so good, happy  and again….LOVED. Is this wrong? Am I normal?.

But in return I ALSO  Love to compliment others. I am a builder. I always try to build others up and help them believe in themselves. That they can do ANYTHING they put their minds to. I encourage and uplift others in their goals and dreams as often as I can.  I try to motivate others. I tell my friends they are beautiful and that they are doing great in their accomplishments. I want others to feel GOOD about themselves. I suppose I share Love the same way I want to receive it in return. I need to learn my friends love languages and love them accordingly.

As a little girl, I was ALWAYS trying to get my mom and dad’s attention. (they divorced when I was 3yrs old).  I felt that if I impressed them, they would tell me how proud they were of me and THAT is how I felt loved.
However, the question I have been asking myself the last few days is WHY do I feel that I NEED Praise to feel good about myself? ….the person I want it from the most is my husband. I find myself asking him "Are you proud of me?" even when I know I won't get the answer I want and setting myself up to get hurt. WHY do I do that??!! He doesn’t really like that I run, it causes lots of arguments and disagreements and makes my heart ache like nothing else. 

Perhaps that is why I seek it from all of You. This blog is where I come when I need a boost. When I need to hear “you’re doing great!”, “ you CAN do this!”, “ you are an amazing runner!”. Yes it’s true. It makes me feel like I'm good enough. THIS is my support system right here. 

 Regardless, the conclusion I’ve come to is that I NEED to be okay with my successes and failures, REGARDLESS of whether anyone else tells me I did a great job or not. THAT is my challenge I guess-to Stop SEEKING outside praise, and BE OKAY with ME.  I don’t need to let everyone know why my run/race was slower than normal, or why it was SO great. I don’t need to explain these things. I can just be happy with them for what they are.  I need to be able to sit in quiet reverence and have the feeling of self achievement be ENOUGH. I am Enough.-This is what I need to work on.
This is so much easier said than done.

We all have weaknesses. These are mine I guess.  More challenging than they seem when I write them out here. This involves changing who I have always been.


So, Anonymous, THANK YOU! Thank you for helping me to reflect. You have not brought me down, or made me feel poorly as you probably hoped you would. You have brought me to a place of self reflection and from here I will be a better person for it. I am using your critical comments and nasty emails to be BETTER, b/c I am that kind of person. I will always pick myself back up. I will never give up or allow someone to steal my dreams. I am so FAR From perfect, but you don’t know me. You can’t judge me. You have never lived a moment in my shoes. You don’t know what it was like to grow up the way I did. I have already overcome so much and I will continue to do so.