About me

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Track meet and OLD BAGGAGE:(


As a kid I was very insecure. I had No self esteem. I felt like EVERYONE was better than me b/c they had real familes (not divorced like mine) and lived in houses (not run down places like ours) and wore nice clothes(not the hand me downs I wore bc my mom had no money). On top of that My poor mom who struggled to hold down 2 jobs, dealt with her stress by drinking. She has been an alcoholic my whole life.

This carried over into my activities and relationships and especially my self image. By age 14 I no longer had any confidence to run. I didnt' feel I was as good as everyone else and I let it stop me from doing what I loved. I felt weak and beat up and didnt' love myself or feel worthy of love or success.

So where am I going with this? .....

Well this Friday night, my coach has me signed up to run in a college track meet. The 5K. He told me there would be lots of girls running 20:00-21:00 min 5k's but when I looked up the results from last year a few min ago, I found that out of 54 girls, about 40 of them ran 16-18min 5K's while only 4 ran 19:30-19:54min 5K's. This is where I will be which means I am going to be near the END of the pack for sure. I am afraid of feeling all those feelings again that I felt when I was younger. I don't want to feel that overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and failure. I'm afraid of it being so discouraging that I will just want to give up again. there is a very DEEP hole inside from LONG ago and I don't want to dig it up.
I hope this makes sense. I get emotional just talking about this. its a very painful place to go back to.

My friend Ryan who was a professional track athlete for years gave me some encouraging words and I know I need/should do this just for myself and just to get a good OFFICIAL 5K time but it is just SO HARD for me.

It's deeper than feeling sorry for myself or being a sore loser...it's not that...its about going back to who I was when I was a teenager and it is not a happy place for me.

It is going to take all my courage to just show up and run. The other girls might think I've LOST the race, but if I can just finish and still feel good about myself then I guess I will have WON.





5 comments:

  1. Nicole, thank you for such real feelings and thoughts. I have a bunch of stuff I want to say but I need to process my thoughts so this comment isn't just a jumbled up ball of fragments and typos that make no sense. :) Try really hard to rise above your fears and nerves and get to a place where you can truly just run for you and not think of all the other runners...I know, easier said than done...I couldn't really do this back when I'd compete in college track meets. my fears and nerves and deep emotions always got the best of me but I wish so bad that I would have been able to just believe in myself and feel safe enough to just run my own race and ENJOY seeing my hard work pay off...it is fun now but then it was dreadful! You're awesome, you've done so much hard work, you're beautiful and graceful looking, you're talented and you're built like a runner! Enjoy! Do what you can and don't let fear hold you back because it will if you let it. Off to get my run in! xo

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  2. i have alot of baggage from my past too...which is why i started running. it's hard, but, they are obstacles that we overcome. i have not known you for long, but, from what i have read throughout your blog...i can tell you that you are such a magnificent woman. you have done so much and i greatly admire you and everything you have done. i hope one day, i will be able to post the accomplishments i have done. you are awesome and you will do great at the 5k.

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  3. just stopping by your blog for the first time, but had to say, lady... i hope i can have abs like that after two kids! (ok, um, forget the two kids.. abs like that ever!)

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  4. hey nic...I hear ya. It is hard to return to a place where we once felt not so great inside. Perhaps now is your chance to override those feelings. Face your past with all the confidence and strength that you have today! Focus on YOU, YOUR goal...You are so committed and dedicated to this journey of yours...I am so proud of you. And I know that you will leave that track meet feeling so ADEQUATE & SUCCESSFUL because you faced your fears and you achieved YOUR goal.

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  5. Thanks for being so honest. Some times life gives us crappy rotten lemons, but from the looks of it you've made a perfectly beautiful lemonade from what you were given. Baggage exhists in all of us, there won't be a girl that is going to toe the line along side you that will not have her own filled up suitcase of dirty laundry.

    It seems like you have been working really hard for all of the things that you have in life, and you deserve happiness and all the benefits from your works. Show up to that meet to prove that the 14 year old girl that she is amazing and deserves the world. So good luck and I wish you all the best because you are awesome!

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